under a microscope

last night, my boyfriend had finally met my family for the first time. It would've been easier if it was only my mother who was there. My mother don't usually ask too many questions, it's not in her nature. However, my uncles were there and my tita, not to mention my cousins so it was like the Spanish Inquisition! I actually cringe when one of my uncles asked my boyfriend pointblank what his intentions for me! Embarrassing, yes. But I was actually pleased that my uncle is concerned enough about my welfare. Growing up without a father, I don't know exactly how one would react that a daughter is in a serious relationship with a guy. Sure, my uncle was doubtful about the character of my boyfriend at first, but it was to be understood. He was protective of his niece and wants to make sure that my relationship will not end up like my parents. I was even glad that my uncle did just that, it only goes to show he cares about me. That actually endeared him to me even more. Although he lives abroad, he's still my favorite uncle. The rest of the family was accomodating enough with their hospitality. They made sure my bf felt at home. So now, he actually knows how this family works! Whew! I can't believe I survived that! I don't know exactly how my current relationship would end, or if it's gonna end at all. But it's nice to know that my family was nice to him. I hope he passed the test...

the wiccan rule of behaviour

The Wiccan Rede is the rule governing Wiccan behavior. It permits Wiccans to engage in any carefully considered action, as long as it harms nobody, including themselves. The Rede is reinforced by the Threefold Law. This is the belief that any harm or good that a Wiccan does to someone else comes back to hurt or benefit them -- magnified three times over. Both are mentioned in the Wiccan Credo, a poem about Wicca whose origin is unclear.

The Rede states that a Wiccan is free to do what ever they want to, as long as it does not harm themselves or anyone else. Harm is normally considered to include manipulation, domination, attempts to control, physically injure, emotionally harm, or hurt another person or group in any way.

The Threefold Law (a.k.a. the Law of Return) adds a reward for those who follow the Wiccan Rede, and a punishment for those who violate it. The law states that:

"All good that a person does to another returns three fold in this life; harm is also returned three fold."

Some followers of other religions have attributed many evil activities to Wiccans -- from the laying of curses to conducting love spells; from conducting human sacrifices to performing black magic. These actions are strictly forbidden to all followers of Wicca. In most cases, beliefs in evil magic by Wiccans can be traced back to European religious propaganda during the late Middle Ages and Renaissance in Western Europe which was used to justify witch hunting and burning.

the wiccan rede

Bide the Wiccan Law ye must,

In perfect Love and perfect Trust.

Eight words the Wiccan rede fulfill:

An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee

So ever mind the Law of Three.

Follow this with mind and heart,

Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

the ties that bind

man is not a perfect being. Despite of its being aesthetically sound, man is vulnerable by nature. If you really look upclose, you would see cracks. They may seem unnoticeable at first but as you grow familiar with the person, it suddenly shows its ugly head. However, as much as I hate to admit it, I have observed that most of us are comfortable if we just ignore the cracks or pretend they weren't there at all. It may cause disappointment for some, and disillusionment for others. We are dismayed that such a weakness of character could possibly possess the person we thought we knew well enough. I have come to the conclusion that it's our fear of losing the other person that makes us look the other way. And yet, others have managed to deal with them by 'restoring' these cracks on a rather perfect marble sculpture. Yet again, how long can we stand these pretensions and restorations? There will come a time when we will tire of making the marble figure look brand new. Why bother with it in the first place? What's the logic behind it? Is it love that binds us together? Or something else? Do we go on hoping that the marble will restore itself to perfection? What happens when it will just crumble down? Would it be from neglect? Misuse? Or from wear and tear?

There must be something that holds us together, some explanation as to why we are beholden of others, why we continue co-relating with others, an infinite force that connects us all. A marble sculpture is just an inanimate object without any essence, with a sole purpose to please the eyes. But a figure possessing a soul, ah that's something else. So it is the soul that makes us human then eh? Something that can not be snatched away from us. Possessing a soul breathes life to a rather stiff marble stone.

the peculiar fate of human reason

“Human reason has this peculiar fate that in one species of its knowledge it is burdened by questions which, as prescribed by the very nature of reason itself, it is not able to ignore, but which as transcending all its powers it is also not able to answer.The perplexity into which it thus falls is not due to any fault of its own. It begins with principles which it has no option save to employ in the course of experience, and which this experience at the same time abundantly justifies it in using. Rising with their aid (since it is determined to this also by its own nature) to ever higher, ever more remote conditions, it soon becomes aware that in this way—the questions never ceasing—its work must always remain incomplete; and it therefore finds itself compelled to resort to principles which overstep all possible empirical employment, and which yet seem so unobjectionable that even ordinary consciousness readily accepts them. But by this procedure human reason precipitates itself into darkness and contradictions; and while it may indeed conjecture that these must in some way be due to concealed errors, it is not in a position to be able to detect them. For since the principles of which it is making use transcend the limits of experience, they are no longer subject to any empirical test. The battle-field of these endless controversies is called metaphysics.”

looking back

some things will never change... after eight long years of being away, I finally decided to go back to my hometown to attend a cousin's wedding and a family reunion of sorts. The moment I saw my hometown, familiarization settled in. I was quite surprised that a lot of things have remained the same. Familiar sights such as the bakery around the corner, the park, the market, numerous stalls selling wares, etc. all remained the same. It's like I never left the place. But if you go to the city proper, you would notice the changes; for one, there's a humonguous mall erected in the place where it used to be a vacant lot. Some establishments were new here and there. New restaurants cropped up out of nowhere. A sprawling hotel was noticeable. I got to see my alma mater as well. Sad to say, some familiar places didn't survive. The presence of the malls prompted most businesses to relocate from their original place. Some closed down.

For the most part, it was worth it because I got to see my mother whom I haven't visited for a long time. I would've love to meet up with some old school friends but there wasn't enough time. I only stayed there for about 3 days. I would've wanted to stay longer but work in the big city beckons. Gotta make some moolah. It was a journey indeed. Twelve hours of sitting inside a bus will make you cranky. But all's well that ends well.

selling the drama

sometimes, I am tempted to drop everything and just disappear. I had enough of this crappy life in the city. Consummerism has overtaken the lives of most people these days that they don't have time anymore to stop and smell the roses (or the coffee, for that matter). I am not ashamed to admit I have fallen under that category as well. It has always been about having the best clothes, getting the best job, knowing the right people. It's one way of surviving really. When you know more people, the better are the chances of you landing the right career. More and more people are driven to succeed in life. Little did we know that the very thing that preoccupies us are the very things that will make us miserable in later life, when we're old & gray and regretting that it shouldn't be that way, that our lives should've taken a different route, a happier one, devoid of excesses. Mankind can't seem to be satisfied with what they have. They need more, they always want more. Sometimes it becomes an addiction. I think that if we just carefully analyze our lifestyle, it would be a matter of just balancing our wants and needs. Competition among our peers occupies most of our time, especially in the workplace. The more they work, the more they are burned out.

When I was younger, I used to dream of owning a mansion, travel to cool places and just splurge. I thought it was important to have everything at your disposal. But as I grow older, it made me realize that happiness is more important. Being filthy rich doesn't necessarily equate to bliss. It will not give you eternal sunshine. There will come a point when these things will bore you. You will seek satisfaction & contentment somewhere else. You will miss the simple things in life. You will crave for more quality time for yourself, your loved ones.

For me, I always have this fascination to explore other places, go backpacking in Europe or some exotic place. I can just go from place to place, enjoying the sights, taking in some culture, learn from them. It will feed me more because I'm actually feeding my soul as well. Right now, money isn't important to me. As long as I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, money will just take care of itself. I would like to do some humanitarian work (one of my life-long dreams), contribute to society and not be selfish for once.. That would really mean something...

*yawn

i came to work at the break of dawn today as result of a swap with a colleague. The sun was still hiding behind the clouds when I left home this morning. My eyes are still droopy with sleep and my brain hasn't started functioning properly. For all I know i'm still in the twilight zone...

girl in a bubble

there are days that I feel I am better off living in a dream where everything is possible, where you can control any situation or manipulate other people's actions. In dreams you can create any situation, complete with dialogue and reactions, and a scenic backdrop to boot. You can make your character more fluid, more receptive, more endearing. You can change your entire personality, even make yourself more attractive. You can even make other people's lives hell if you like. You can play with emotions, toy with the outcome and eventually change the things that you do not find pleasing enough to your senses.

One of the reasons why living in a dream could be alluring is because you find a certain feeling of contentment, that your at peace with yourself. Reality could be really annoying, what with the barrage of noise that you encounter every waking day. I do value my privacy and I'm not very fond of senseless noise. There are times that I want some quiet moments to reflect. The world is already populated with noise, it's bursting at the seams and I just want to get away from it all.

In retrospect, I have spent almost my entire life in a dream state. I don't know why, maybe because in the dreamworld, you can turn your frustrations into achievements. You can make your disappointments vanish into thin air. Besides, things are easier that way. You can actually come up with a solution to a particular problem by going over the situation in your mind. I play out my reactions in my mind in different scenarios. I can actually come up with mutliple solutions to a single problem! It's like having Plan A, Plan B & Plan C altogether. If Plan A didn't work, you have another option.

Science had actually proven that hidden problems would manifest itself in our dreams because it is one way of making us aware of it, of getting our attention. Dreams act as a reminder that we need to address a certain problem. That's why it's important that one knows how to interpret his/her dreams. I am not a schizo though, of course I can still differentiate reality from imaginary. It's just that I find the dreamworld comforting than dealing with the harsh reality. If the dreamworld could prove to be crowded place as well, the milky way can be an option...

seriously demented

some people would do outrageous things to get the respect they "supposedly" deserve... that, or they go overboard. It's one thing to make an impression, it's another thing to alienate the rest of the populace...

system failure

what happened to the girl I used to know? What happened to the smiling, independent girl I used to admire? You used to enjoy life. Your enthusiasm was contagious. You embraced spontaneity and freedom. You marvel at the wonderful sight of nature. You love the sight of the moon & stars. Sunsets almost made you weep. You made things easy to understand. You were logical, practical and fair. You saw things clearly. You laugh at silly jokes. There were fire in your eyes. You were passionate about a lot of things. You stood up for what you believe in.

But now, the sparks in your eyes were gone. A beaming smile was replaced by a worried frown. You easily get upset and have hissy fits. You burst into tears whenever someone points out your mistakes. You don't know how to say sorry anymore. The sense of humor was gone. Somehow, you didn't think a joke from a friend was funny. You lash at people. You're sarcastic. You have become jaded and cynical. I don't know who you are anymore. What happened? What made you into this kind of monster?

huh?

dammit! I forgot what to write!

growing pains

maturity & adulthood. is there a difference? what constitutes an adult? adults make mistakes, don't they? so if you're mature enough, if you make the wrong decision, the "adult" thing to do is to deal with it, right? otherwise, you still need a lot to develop, character-wise. maturity comes after you have learned the lesson from your mistakes. it's up to you if you commit the same mistakes again. but a lot of times we never learn, really. we commit the same mistakes over and over again even though you know you're supposed to get past them and move on. why is that? maybe because we already know what the outcome would be & hope we would have the chance to change it somehow in the hopes that it would result to a different outcome. or maybe, just maybe you're stuck in the moment and you might feel helpless to get out the situation. or worse, you would feel empty otherwise, deprived of the outcome you've been fervently wishing for. it's only when our heart gets bruised and battered that we eventually come to our senses and do something about it. strangely enough, no matter how hurt we get , we always seem to find the way to bounce back, no matter how difficult, no matter how hopeless. it's how the heart operates. humans seem to have something basic in their system that makes them heal naturally. perhaps divine intervention is involved eh? some cosmic force greater than ourselves working to our advantage. think about it...

sour pill

my mood just took a nosedive... instead of me writing about something relevant & worthy prior to this blog, it was a complete waste of space! all because of this neophyte! well, he's not gonna burst my bubble, hah!

bugger off!

i'm really getting irritated with this person! you try to be friendly and yet he just brush you aside like you're not worth his time! well guess what mister! you aren't worth a dime! what a social-climbing fake! believe me, I don't savor talking to you more than necessary!

you worthless faggot!

truth is stranger than fiction

do you know that the movement of the planets and the phases of the moon actually affects human behaviour? Surely, you know about the popularity of horoscopes and the like, but a lot of people don't know that a full moon can actually affect your well-being. True! I have read that for women particularly, their monthly cycles are somewhat affected depending on the lunar phase. Most people I know may not actually rely on horoscopes, much less believe in them (out of religious belief or otherwise), but it is a scientific fact which can not be ignored. Even from my experience (I used to work for a large real estate development firm), people who invest in the property market actually rely on astrology-- one way or another. I know a couple who waited for a full moon before they can move in to their new condo. Another client didn't wanna get a unit that's facing north. It's bad luck, they said. Most Chinese believe in a lot of things (e.g. feng shui, semi-precious stones, etc)-- it's a given fact. They don't make a rash decision until they have consulted an expert, or consulted the stars.

Why am I mentioning this? Because sometimes , people attribute their problem-slash-dilemma-slash-vexation to their physical environment, and not exactly by the forces of nature. They blame other people; they blame their boss, they blame their spouse, they blame the traffic, they even blame themselves. Sometimes you just got to realize that there are things which are beyond anybody's control -- but nature. Look at the tsunami disaster. The environment was already giving out signs a day before the disaster struck (the exodus of fish & other aquatic animals in the affected areas). Nowadays people are just damn too preoccupied & busy to see the signs. Or they choose to ignore them.

The relevance of this piece? Nothing, I just want to write about it. That's all.

sunday bloody sunday

i like going to work on a sunday... the streets of makati are almost deserted, you actually enjoy strolling. For the most part, there aren't a lot of people on the floor too, so it's not noisy & chaotic. No frenzy at all, as in totally nothing. It's a very relaxing atmosphere.

I like the peace and quiet of a sunday afternoon... *sigh*

promiscuous? Not!

I met a girl once who, for about a year, have managed to date a string of guys and sleep with them on first dates. They were her toyboys. She didn't care less. I was aghast when she confessed them to me, but I learned later on that she had her heart broken to a thousand pieces by this one guy-- The One. Apparently, she slept with those guys for 2 reasons: to forget about the love of her life; and to know if other guys can measure up to him. She was dead wrong.

There are valid reasons why a girl would sleep around. And not because she is a slut. There's always a reason behind such uncharacteristic behaviour. I, for one, understand my friend's predicament. I've had my heart broken too. Believe me, it's hard to let go. But there are things in life where you just have to accept your defeat, that you can't always get what you want. You just have to accept the fact that love and happiness can sometimes be elusive-- and out of reach.

Falling in love and having your heart broken happens all the time. It seems like we can never avoid this cycle. Somewhere in your life, you get rejected-- by a company you applied for, by a friend, even by your family. True, it takes awhile of getting used to, but you eventually survive. And you move on... learning to let go is pretty tough. You cling to the memory of your past, hoping that it will save you from total self-destruction. But you just gotta deal with it, learn it, and live it. Of course it's easier said than done, you just got to start somewhere... anywhere.

nescafe moment-- one good day comin' up

how glorious it is to go home with the sun still up!

shitty morning

i have issues-- and that, my friend, has been clear to me right from the start. The very thing that I (grudgingly) have to admit even to myself. And that is one of the reasons why we can't seem to see eye-to-eye about a lot of things... I realized that my inability and ineptness to handle certain aspects of a relationship makes me ill-equipped to be in a relationship in the first place. I guess I could've clued you in about whatever issues I have. But I have persevered-- and rather convinced myself that all of these are just part of being in a relationship. Therefore, it's normal. I don't claim to have expertise in relationships. I only abide by what I feel and think is right. The thing is, I wish you would be open-minded enough to understand and eventually accept all of me (deficiencies and all), the same thing that I am trying to do for you. I know I may act childish and immature sometimes. I have a stubborn streak, yes I very well admit that. I guess I was just used to handling everything myself, not depending on anyone. I hate it when everything doesn't go the way I expect them to be. I know, I know. I should've made it clear to you. I just hate admitting my faults, a thing that I am starting to realize is relatively important if I want to make this relationship work. I feel so shitty everytime we fight. It seems that I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. That way, we didn't have to fight. I never said it's easy to be me...