book of revelations

some revelations have occured to me today :


1) it's still money that makes the world go round~ after all, we're still living in a material world (go ask Madonna);

2) the philippine diaspora is continuously growing ~ year after year after year... (you get the point);

3) politics is still the name of the game ~ and it will never change;

4) politicians will forever be greedy with power & money;

5) I have lost all enthusiasm about life in general (dunno how it happened);

6) I have mellowed in some ways (uh...);

7) I can describe my social life in one word : zilch;

8) I missed spending time with my closest friends;

9) I missed going out on a shopping spree;

10) I am full of ideas, but they are just that ~ ideas;

11) I still don't care what other people think;

12) I have become a lot more jaded, moreso about other people's perception of happiness (what I'd like to call 'kababawan');

13) people can be sooo naive about a lot of things;

14) people just don't know where to draw the line;

15) the world hasn't stopped turning just because you're not having the time of your life...

the supermarket

funny how you meet people in strange places... a few weeks ago I was checking some items in the grocery store when I suddenly spotted a guy a few aisles away. I recognised his profile even from afar and so I quickly grabbed my pushcart and turned away before he could see me. That guy happened to be someone I dumped before when he tried to court me, and so it would be awkward for me to see him again, and at such a public place.

Then about two days ago I went to the same supermarket to do my usual grocery shopping when someone actually said a timid hello right next to me. Before I knew it I was staring at the face of my ex-boss' wife. Well it was a pleasant surprise but I didn't want my ex-boss (any ex-boss, for that matter) to catch me doing any domestic stuff. First of all, I didn't know she does her grocery there also in makati though they live in alabang. On the brighter side of things, I was in decent clothes when I ran into her and I didn't look 'losyang' so I guess it was okay. We had a small chit-chat & thank god her husband's not with her so I didn't have to deal with his not-so-subtle questions about my present job or why I didn't show up on his last birthday party. Nevertheless, I ended the conversation swiftly. I had to report to work right after, that's why. Besides, there were a lot of people in the supermarket that time. It wasn't an ideal place to converse properly anyway. Well, things could've been worse...

men are such simple creatures...

I was having my lunchbreak earlier in the office pantry next to two guys enjoying their pizza. I couldn't help overhearing snippets of their conversation since they were seating close to me. Apparently, they were raving about movies that they love. I was expecting them to mention maybe a stanley kubrick film or the latest movie of woody allen, but no. They were talking about 'The Longest Yard' & 'The Dukes of Hazzard' fer crying out loud! And these are men in their mid-twenties! They were even quoting lines from those movies! Unbelievable! Somewhere along the conversation, they started narrating all those old movies they love : 'The Mighty Ducks', 'Cannonball Run', etc ... Astig pre!

slumber bummer

i slept badly today. My neighbor's toddler was sort of running & jumping around outside my window screaming at the top of his lungs trying to get my attention just so he can tell me that I should be awake in the daytime and not asleep. Kids. What do they know about call center jobs? Then there's that episode with my boyfriend who was checking up on me while he's boarding the plane for another one of his numerous business trips. Such a workaholic. He travels so frequently that philippine airlines already awarded him as an elite member of their frequent flyer miles program. But I'm digressing... anyway, I'm at work now and miraculously, I don't feel drowsy at all. 'Must be an overload of that frappucino I had earlier this evening. But the night is still young, so who knows? I'm usually cranky when I don't get enough sleep ~ or my sleep is rudely interrupted. So even a soft beep on my mobile rouses me from my oblivion, and so I unceremoniously lashed out at my boyfriend this morning for the sudden interruption. My words must've stung since he never texted me nor called me the whole day. Poor guy! I didn't mean to be such a bitch. I'll make it up to him when he gets back...

new year state of mind

i spent my new year in baguio just so i can avoid the noise of firecrackers on new year's eve in the city. And I wanted to feel the coldness of baguio during the busy month of december since I've never been to this city of pines on a holiday season before. I stayed there for barely 2 days and most of the time I just slept in my hotel room. It was a mixture of fatigue and a lingering case of vertigo that made me stay in bed most of the time. Besides, it was too cold to do anything else. Me and my companion just strolled along session road then had dinner. Afterwhich we had a steaming cup of hot choco from the nearby cafe located inside the mall. It was just unfortunate that I had to return back to the city soon afterwards. Well at least, when I got back, the noise barrage was over, whew! My mother came over for christmas and I was just glad to see her again after such a long time. I don't get to come home as often as I want to...

been having insomniac days lately, feel like a walking zombie these days. Work is getting stressful this month due to the volume... have not been able to think straight, nothing else to say. . . signing out

*yawn

wake me up when this whole thing blows over. . .

The Sound of One Heart Breaking

by: Karen Kunawicz

What is the sound of a heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a

tiny ball crying softly in the night,

the sound of the first unwanted teardrop

touching your skin, it's the sound of

a telephone that doesn't ring,

the sound of regret

pounding inside your brain

with every heartbeat,

it's the whispers

of the toy animals he gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet

walking away from you,

the sound of your soul shattering

into a million pieces

at recognizing the word "goodbye,"

it’s the soundtrack of memories

torturing you, it's the sound of

feeble hands trying to push back

the obstinate hands of time,

it's the sound of a cherub's

dying breath, the sound of

all those years disappearing

in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink,

it's the unrelenting plaintive

baby meows of an abandoned kitten

outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain

that doesn't ever stop,

the sound of all the doors

shutting and closing in your face

at the same time, of raging,

howling storms in the night

when there's no one there to hold you,

the sound of your voice

as it screams back at you,

the echo of "I love yous"

burning holes in you,

the sound your heart makes

as it tells you to lie still

because nothing you will ever do

will matter without love.

The sound of the waves

of the polluted beach you went to

as it moves from the shore

and crashes inside your mind,

of the sniffles that make up your pathetic

"SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the

brittle black-red petals

from the sidewalk vendor

roses he gave, the sound of the music

he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room

being thrown around

and landing on the floor,

the caress of kitchen knives on skin,

the sound your throat makes

as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It's the sound of your own voice

calling out to someone who isn't there,

of dying birds getting splattered

on a city pavement, of terms of endearment

used a hundred times a day

struggling to crawl into a

vacuum of forgetfulness,

it's the sound of your own sobs

keeping you company,

it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air

you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy

as bombs exploding.

Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes

are as quiet as a feather

falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.

No one else can really hear

your heart breaking except you.

wide awake

I am suffering from insomnia for two consecutive days now. I would go to bed at my usual hour, 11pm and then just lie there, waiting for the sandman to do his trick. Then nothing. My mind refused to shut down. I would toss and turn listlessly. Jumbled thoughts would still swirl around in my head. In one corner of my alert mind, music would suddenly invade my consciousness. Sometimes an idea would come to mind, only to be shifted to another train of thought, and so it would go on for hours. By 3am, I'm already singing in my head, triggered by my last song syndrome. I mean, I could try drinking a glass of hot milk to help me relax and get to sleep but nights are (un)usually hot this time of year. By 5am, i would decide to get up and have an early breakfast (hot pandesal + hot choco). I would find myself drowsy and yawning around 7:30am, then that's the only time I could finally fall asleep. Then again, I won't still have a fitful sleep because the whole neighborhood is waking up already. The noise of the day would filter through my mind again, added to that is the never-ending sound of airplanes taking off in the distance, and that usually happens every hour of the day. It only gets quiet by 9pm. By then, the nearby airport would be closed already. The alarm would go off at 11:30am so I have to get up and prepare for lunch, afterwhich I would take off for work. This morning, around 10am, I woke up with a start and almost panicked. The reason? I could hear the strains of an old song wafting through the neighbor's window. I actually asked myself if it was the 1940s since I was hearing an old song, if I was suddenly transported back to that bygone era. Then it hit me, the neighbor was watching an old disney cartoon. That was a relief! For a moment there I thought I was living in Nazi Germany. I didn't have anything for lunch earlier. I feel like I'm still in a trance, currently caught between the dreamworld and my waking life. Naturally, I have to force myself to stay awake the whole time in the office. Maybe I had a bad case of too much caffeine (or toxic?) in my system ~ i really don't know. . .

batteries not included

i have absolutely nothing significant or relevant to write since my life had been uneventful as of late. I mean, I kept waiting for something major to happen to me or even to witness a particularly interesting event/incident which would merit an entry in this blog. One would think my mind has finally gone bonkers. Maybe that is the case. That or I have nothing else to say really-- unless you want me talk nonsense like noticing for the first time while typing this entry that I haven't gotten to clipping my nails lately. Or my plan to visit the salon and have my hair done and perhaps get a facial or something, or my procrastination to set an appointment with the dentist (which reminds me, I need to get it done already). The only preoccupation I have that I could think of is when am I gonna get the next pay. Other than that, nothing as in nada. Kaput. I guess I can say that my life is kinda smooth-sailing right now ~ no turbulence to disrupt me, no earth-shattering discoveries that would wake me up from my drunken stupor-- I mean, present state of mind, no brilliant ideas, no experiments and certainly no 'prophetic' blabberings. You might wonder, perhaps this girl's mind is full of cobwebs (full of shit?) ~ or it's just rusty. Nevertheless, no one would be able to pick my brains and do mind games with me. I hate mind games anyway. Life is full of riddles already, I'd be happy to steer clear of them. Wouldn't you agree? (tie down!)

and the world makes sense again...

. . . thanks to jessica zafra's blog (see link below, left corner among other links), blogging will never be the same again. I have been an admirer of this guru of irony for as long as I could remember. Finally, I could have my usual dose of insanity!

night falls

it's always nice to step out of the office for awhile when you're working at night, especially at this hour and at this time of year. The air for once is cool, the ambiance so laid back, and you just feel a sense of nostalgia. Since tonight is practically all saint's day eve, the streets of makati are almost deserted. No rush hour traffic, no noise barrage from vehicles and no maddening crowd. I just wish it'll be like this the rest of the year. I am almost tempted to take a walk along the stretch of ayala avenue. From point A to point B, and back. Wishful thinking. SIGH! Then again, I am now back in my workstation sipping a cup of green tea. It's not raining outside, thank god! It was humid all throughout the day.

I wish I could find a nook right now and just enjoy the sights and sounds of makati (well-lited streets and skyscrapers), and allow my mind to wander. I can't exactly say enjoy the vast open space simply because there aren't ~ not in this side of the metropolis anyway. Makati (ayala avenue, mostly) used to be emblazoned with lights during the holidays. But now they keep it to the minimum. Trying times for the economy.

Some nights ago I happened to look up at the sky and saw the moon and a sprinkle of stars. It put a smile on my face. It's funny because when I looked up at the star-filled sky, I thought the stars looked like pimples on the face of the night sky, and the waxing moon looked more like a slice of lemon. And why would I associate pimples with the stars, you might ask? I don't know! It was the first thing that came to mind, I swear. If the stars scattered in the sky that time didn't seem to look like pimples, then I thought they looked like dandruffs ~ tiny white particles on a dark backdrop. Ha Ha Ha. Me and my twisted mind again. Seriously, a star-filled sky? You don't get to see that everyday ~ not if you live in the city.

any given sunday

one lazy sunday. Fewer people are at work today, it's so quiet and the only sound you can hear is the humming sound of the airconditioning, which means it's freakin' cold in here. Been sitting here in my station beside another colleague and it's just the two of us for now ~ at least till 10pm when another colleague comes in. Today marks the first day of work for me with the new shift. It has been a long time since I was in this odd sched so I left early for work to avoid any mishaps. You never know. It rained just when I stepped out of the house. Great. Even the weather is not cooperating. Yesterday I was so bored at home and I couldn't wait till I go to work today. But now I feel ~ I dunno, not up to it I guess. Lousy for sure. This new sched will wreak havoc again in my sleeping habits. SIGH!

take heart

of course no one would expect me to explain the inner workings of my twisted mind, perhaps for fear of a terrible tongue-lashing from me or they are simply not interested whatsoever. Either way, I wouldn't mind since I cannot possibly explain the phenomenon myself. Recently, the ramblings have screeched to a halt for no apparent reason. System failure eh? Perhaps any cohesive thought was lost in the labyrinth of my mind. Somebody must've barricaded it with high walls as thick and as dangerous as the berlin wall. Naturally, one would never attempt any means of escape and/or entry and thus jeopardize themselves. Too much trouble, they might say. Might as well forget about the whole thing. But I'm talking rubbish here. Then again, all is not lost. Hope springs eternal, so they say. Who knows, one permeable thought would run amok in the deep recesses of my dark mind and threaten to spill over. Maybe I'll hijack a plane or something. Ooops. Can't make jokes about that, sensitive global security issue. Maybe I'll just jump off the plane when this political limbo end and to hell with it. Or I could do a miriam and tell everybody I lied (with matching demonic laughter shooting thru outer space). The conundrum of having a spatial mind surely gives you an empty feeling. Or a dry spell~ that feeling when you're out in the sun all day and you're parched to death but no liquid nourishment in sight? That feeling. You see, my brain has a mind of its own. It goes to unchartered territory when I specifically order it not to, and just focus on things onhand. What can I say, it just tends to wander. Typical. At times my mind harbors ridiculous thoughts one should be warned not to delve into it too much. One could be trapped, or one could become loco. So i think it is best to just take things lightly, just a nip in the bud. Hmm, I'm not making any sense at all. So now what?

doubting damsel

i don't know if I'm heading for a major crashdown...

the skunk

you know, you should do something about it once and for all. It's killing me! Seriously, I'd hate to be your girlfriend!

there is no business like...

you gotta be kidding me! jennifer aniston hooking up with vince vaughn?! tsk, tsk! Ridiculous, if you ask me. From brad pitt to vince vaughn is like downgrading your Nokia N90 to Nokia 8250. C'mon jen, you can do better than that!

the other side of love & other stories

i just found out that my current beau has a thing for jennifer love hewitt. I kept teasing him when I learned about it and he would just give me this sheepish grin. No wonder he wasn't complaining when I dragged him to the movie theater to watch her recent films. Not that the movies were any good. I don't know why jennifer love makes those kind of boring movies. You can just see her usual dorky enthusiasm in those movies with thin plots. She used to be popular, now I wonder what happened to her career.

I just finished reading mario puzo's The Godfather (I only saw part 3 of the film version) and I can see why a lot of people are crazy about the story. It's brilliant. Loved it. Before that I was reading truman capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's. I have watched the film version a dozen times, I just wanted to relive the story. It's my favorite classic movie. I just love audrey hepburn!

I only saw 2 films in the recently concluded spanish film festival which is a pity because the line up was so good. Blame it on my schedule, plus other distractions. I remember I used to go to these international filmfests almost yearly. Sometimes with my sister, most of the time with friends who share the same passion for foreign films (and I don't mean hollywood). We usually have discussions afterwards on the films we previewed. Unfortunately, I lost contact with these friends.

I love watching foreign films, never mind that you have to read the subtitles. You get used to it. French films I love the most. The french create films out of a simple plot yet make it so interesting. Cinemanila international filmfest is still ongoing until the 25th of this month. FYI.

the break up song

i consider this as the best break up song in my book (see below), not because of the lyrics (that depends on the nature of the break up) but because I just love the melody. It's edgy yet full of anguish and misery. When most people would probably opt to play sentimental songs/sob songs when they break up with their beaus, I would prefer this one. Play this non-stop all day and you just might feel good eventually. My other option would be U2's All I Want Is You. While you're playing this record, pretend you're winona ryder having a spat with ethan hawke ala reality bites. Coolness!

Mr. Brightside

The Killers

I'm coming out of my cage

And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down

Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this

It was only a kiss,

it was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest

Now, he takes off her dress

Now, letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me

And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Swimming through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage

And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down

Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest

Now, he takes off her dress

Now, letting me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me

And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Swimming through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

" Never love a wild thing. You can't give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree, then a taller tree. Then the sky. That's how you'll end up if you let yourself love a wild thing. You'll end up looking at the sky. . . "

-- Holly Golightly

Breakfast At Tiffany's