what dreams are made of (posted Jan. 30)

i felt optimistic this morning on my way to work. For a moment there i felt alive-- a seldom occurence in this hectic world that I'm in. I felt like everything's going well. It's as if something good is bound to happen, I felt it. I just don't know what it is. I've always had days like this. You wake up and you just know it's going to be a good day. You forget all your troubles the day before. You get a clean slate. Somehow, you feel lighter and you look forward to the day itself. There are times that you just dread going to work, doing the same boring things over and over again. But this is not the case today. I was actually raring to go back to work after my rest day. Sometimes whatever you're expecting to happen doesn't even matter, it doesn't even have to happen at all. You just want to sustain the feeling the entire day. I think that's the secret to keep your sanity.

Do you ever had that feeling that you have a certain connection to a place or a person? Well I had that fleeting moment this morning. I felt I was somehow connected to India of all places. There was even a teeny tiniest fraction of a second where the place I was in suddenly shifted and I felt like I was actually transported to India! I know it may sound laughable or ridiculous but I've always wanted to go to that place. I imagined myself donning one of those exotic clothes. I have even imagined I can somehow trace the early dwellings of the gypsies. I can imagine running off to join them and leaving my present life behind. I always have this feeling that somehow I belong to an old world-- a world that is lost and forgotten. I feel like my present life is actually part of the matrix. None of it is real. Maybe I can just become a hermit and just watch the modern world go by.

I know there are things in my present life that I need to fix and/or address-- soon. I have been procrastinating so far but last night I have realized that nothing will come of it if I just keep on wondering what I want to do or when I'm going to do it. I have to make things happen. Carpe diem. I just wish I have the drive to sustain this 'do-something-right-now' kind of feeling.

the anti-social

what monster of a person I am turning out to be! I don't usually post any thing that deserves as little attention as possible but since it is somehow connected to my general well-being (mostly my mental state), I decided it would do me a great deal if I let it out in the open. Although I still maintain that the following subject matter doesn't deserve any space in my blog. Anyway, a young couple just moved in next door just before christmas-- right next to my rented studio unit. Most people don't know I don't generally socialize with neighbors-- not because I dislike them altogether but due to the fact that the typical pinoy neighbor usually go overboard and cross the line over their friendliness. Most of them don't recognize the borderline you establish. They tend to put their nose into your business too much; they pry into your private affairs and seemed to want to know every little detail about you. Now I value my privacy just as much as the next person but when a neighbor becomes too much of a burden, that's the time I become anti-social. I could've ignored the new neighbors-- or even be polite to them if not for the fact that on their first night, they decided to held a drinking session right outside my window, close enough to hear every noise they make! So that didn't sit with me very well. They say first impressions last. True enough! Don't get me wrong, I don't care much for anything that they do, my only concern is for them to be considerate enough. I mean, after all, I tolerate their behaviour but it should be a two-way street, don't you agree? I do this for you, you do this for me; you scratch my back, I scratch yours. Give and take in other words. My landlady mentioned the couple works for an advertising agency-- like hellloo?! I've never seen them go to work! They're usually at home watching TV, or busy with their playstation. Most of the time, they go out for a drinking spree with their phony friends. If they are what they pretend to be, they will not be home all day! And certainly, if they supposedly work for a prestigious ad agency, they will be residing in a condo in downtown makati! See? I'm not even sure where they exactly came from. Since christmas, I've never had any peace and quite in the house because of my noisy neighbors who allow just about every stranger inside the premises! Visitors come and go throughout the day, leaving the gate wide open for burglars to see! I won't be surprised if one of these days, something have been stolen in any of the units. I have already complained to my landlady but just the same, my usual peace & quiet have been disrupted altogether. So I avoid any interaction with them as much as possible. Frankly I just don't know when I can still tolerate their presence!

losing it

i woke up wednesday morning and found out I lost my voice. The only sound that's coming out was a squeak intermingling with an annoying screeching sound, like that of a car. Yes, I had severe sore throat due to the colds I have for the past few days. I didn't wanna call in sick for work that day so I came to the office that morning with a husky voice. Hoping that perhaps later in the day, it will eventually improve. My voice didn't even sound sexy, it kinda sounded like a voice of an old lady with a bad cold-- or worse, a voice straight from hell. I realized later in the day that it was only getting worse, even after taking a lozenge and lots of liquid. So I was squeaking all throughout my calls, throughout the day. I also got a lot of teasing from my colleagues because of my weird voice. I couldn't communicate well, people didn't understand what I say. And I had to repeat myself over and over just to get the message across, which didn't help at all since I'm only straining my voice further. I filed a leave of absence yesterday so I can rest my voice. I took a 'vow of silence' yesterday to preserve whatever voice I have left. I still have nasal decongestion today but I regained my voice a bit, although I am trying not to strain my voice too much...

how the grinch stole christmas

two unforgettable incidents this month : I was picked as one of the raffle winners from the year-end party that the company organized but never got the prize. And I got sick on Christmas day.

For the first incident, for reasons unknown to me, the person in charge of the raffled off items informed me in a flat, unforgiving voice that my name was not included on their list of winners, which only meant that I didn't win anything. Imagine my embarrassment! The people I know who were at the party and present during the raffle attested I was picked as a winner. They said my name was even flashed on the huge screens mounted on the stage at the party. My mistake was I left the party early so I wasn't able to claim the 'ipod' that people said I won. So when I tried to claim it 2 days later, my name disappeared on their list? So something must've happened by then huh! The party would've been fun if it wasn't for that terrible disappointment. The raffle organizers couldn't provide me with a straight answer. But I'm sure somebody else already claimed the prize intended for me.

Then of course, on Christmas day, I was running a fever so I was bedridden the whole time, I couldn't do anything much. I wasn't able to report to work the next day because of that. so I guess that's how my year ended. . .

feeling murderous

i'm having a bad day at the office right now. I had to deal with a lot of bullcrap from unreasonable customers. I don't know if I want to cry or scream in frustration. I feel like murdering anyone who would dare speak to me. And it's not helping that I am sitting beside a person I would not rather sit with. I went downstairs for a while for my lunch but I lost my appetite. I just went to starbucks and bought a mocha frap to help me cool off but there's still this dark cloud hovering over my head. That should give people a warning not to get near me right now. @#$%&^*

clobbered

so I didn't make the cut. Big deal. I think I wasn't that serious to really deserve that elusive promotion. I'll be a hypocrite not to admit I was a bit disappointed. But hey, at least I tried. It's not the end of the world. I have a feeling I am meant to go somewhere else. Either that or I am meant for something else.

I am not having a good week either. For the first time in a long time, I have gotten some serious acne problem that just wouldn't go away. It's not just one tiny problem, mind you. It's more than one huge problem! I don't know why they sprouted all of a sudden. One even grew on my nose, of all places! Now I look like a witch but instead of a wart, I have acne. There was this one time when I thought I can feel them growing on my face, ughs! I just changed my bedsheets and all but still! And I'm not under a lot of stress nor pressure right now so that doesn't sum up. Its absolute hideousness creeps me out! It's been a week now and I have yet to see them disappear. I have been using a facial cleanser meant specifically for that and have been applying a gel as an antidote to no avail. It did reduce the swelling a bit but I'm not too happy about that either. I just want them to go away, gone for good.

Cinemanila International Film Festival Official Selection

INTERNATIONAL COMPETITION
1. 9TH Company, Dir. Fyodor Bondarchuk (Finland,Russia,Ukraine)
2. Climates ,Dir. Nuri Bilge Ceylan (Turkey,France)
3. Citizen Dog, Dir. Wisit Sasanatieng (Thailand)
4. Everlasting Regret, Dir. Stanley Kwan (Hong Kong)
5. Heremias ,Dir. Lav Diaz (Philippines)
6. It's Only Talk ,Dir. Ryuichi Hiroki (Japan)
7. Kubrador ,Dir. Jeffrey Jeturian (Philippines)
8. Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, Dir. Park Chan-wook (South Korea)
9. The Wind That Shakes the Barley ,Dir. Ken Loach (UK, Germany, Italy, France, Spain, Ireland)
10. Taking Father Home, by Ying Liang (China)

DIGITAL LOKAL COMPETITION
1. Anino ng Setyembre Dir. Briccio Santos
2. Gamot sa Pagkabagot Dirs. Ato Bautista, Jason Donato and Shugo Praico
3. Manoro Dir. Brillante Mendoza
4. Numbalikdiwa Dir. Roberto Bonifacio
5. Raket ni Nanay Dir. Lawrence Fajardo
6. Squatterpunk Dir. Khavn dela Cruz

DOCUMENTARY FILMS IN COMPETITION
1. The Gift of Barong,Dir. Benito Bautista (USA/Philippines)
2. Hors Le Murs, Dirs. Alexandre Leborge and Pierre Barougier (France)
3. Paper Dolls, Dir. Tomer Heymann (UK)
4. Serambi, Dir. Garin Nugroho (Indonesia)
5. Storm of Emotions Dir. Yael Klopmann (Israel)

SHORT FILMS IN COMPETITION
1. The Ballad of Mimiong's Minon, Dir. Jon Ballesteros
2. One Man Show, Dir. Dohna Sarmiento and Glenn Ituriaga
3. Hopia Express, Dir. Janus Victoria
4. Misteryo ng Hapis, Dir. Mark dela Cruz
5. Embers, Dir. Marc Laureano
6. Sakdal Laya, Dir. Tey Clamor
7. Buog, Dir. Milo Tolentino
8. Grandma's Recipe, Dir. Imelda Betiong

get a grip

my recent dream has jolted me into the realization that I need to do something about my career~ or lack thereof. Although the dream itself had nothing to do whatsoever with my present job, the situation was somewhat similar ~ about taking a step forward when an opportunity comes. When a chapter closes, another one opens. I'm not saying that I'm rabidly pursuing this promotion thing, but since an opportunity has presented itself, I might as well try. Maybe I was out of focus for awhile, that I have become stagnant in my career and was just content with what and where I am at the moment. But it dawned on me that it wouldn't hurt if I take a step forward and take some risk. After all, I'm not getting any younger. Sooner or later I have to think about my future, and I certainly wouldn't want to hurl myself in the mercy of other people, to depend on them for support~ financial, emotional or otherwise. I always think that a girl should be able to stand on her own two feet without the help of a man. That way, you would be able to handle yourself well and not be this clingy piece of molasses, sickeningly sweet if I may say so. Naturally, I don't wanna pass on any burden to my current beau. I was at the greenbelt 3 mall the other day to watch one of the films from the spanish film festival, and while I was waiting for my sister, I was casually observing the people that litter the mall that time. It struck me that most of them are the executive types, and for the first time in a long time, I felt envious. I started to compare my life with them and came to the conclusion that compared to them, my life sucks and that it's just as exciting as a piece of unwanted broccolli. This made me think that I have put my career on hold for reasons that I could not even begin to think. Somewhere along the way, I think I just lost my drive. I should get back on the right track, right? And you're damn right it's about time. . . Let's see what happens next.

moment of clarity

certain realizations entered my consciousness recently when I had another dizzying spell for the past two days. I have come to realize that in trying times, one can only rely on oneself. And that waiting for salvation or some sort of a blinding light from the sky would not change anything. People has to go on with their lives, regardless of any tragedy that had befallen them. This realization was brought by the desperation wrought by the recent typhoon. The helplessness that I felt after the calamity was indescribable. It only goes to show that there are forces which are really beyond our control. It also made me think of the dependency of humans on modern gadgets for survival. Take away all of it and man is reduced to a hapless being. So after five looong days of not having the modern amenities that has become part of everyone's life, I have reached the boiling point to which I decided pending matters should be resolved soon. So I turned to the most workable alternatives, and that's how I am living my life at this point. Now let's see how far my plan will go...

the stone age

i curse the recent typhoon to the high heavens! Up to now, my local area doesn't have electricity yet while nearby places already have their f@#$%&*! electricity. What gives?! I can't simply do anything at home for the past five days! It's like going back to the stone age, fer cryin' out loud! I can't cook anything, even boil water since I'm using an electric stove! I mean, I have loads of stocked food at home but I can't eat them. I had to go out and buy cooked food and it's already costing me a lot. My patience is wearing thin. . . Grrrh!

i felt the earth move

. . . and so it's signal number 3 in the entire metro manila today for typhoon milenyo. Classes were suspended. Three agents here in the office already have cough and colds, and that includes me. I was late for work this morning due to the foul weather and my sandals broke again since it was drenched in heavy rains. Good thing I brought a spare. So enroute to the office I slipped into a different pair of sandals. Voila! Still, I came to work soaked to the skin! There was a power failure here for like a dozen times and we were all restless. To top it off, I thought I was experiencing another vertigo episode while I was sitting in my workstation since I felt dizzy and my chair was moving. It occured to me that there may be an earthquake happening at that moment, so I turned to my workmate sitting next to me and asked him if he felt it too. Then everybody confirmed that the building itself was swaying! Turned out that it was caused by the heavy winds outside! Can you just imagine that?! It felt like I was in a hammock being put to sleep. Still, it was kinda scary because who knows what will happen. I could hear sirens in the streets way below when the entire building was shaking. I don't even know how I'll be able to go home. I'm crossing my fingers. If only I could change into a costume and be superhero so I can just fly. . . yeah right.

the case of lonelygirl15 solved!

so I was almost duped by lonelygirl15 on YouTube like many, many others. She's not really the wide-eyed 16-year old girl in her 'personal' videos as she portrayed herself to be. Widely-known as bree in the internet circle, her real name is jessica lee rose and she's 19 years old, born in maryland. I was skeptical about her supposed platonic relationship with 'daniel' , but I was almost convinced. I thought it was a cute story -- being home-schooled with daniel as her only best friend, has a purple toy monkey for a playmate, and discusses her 'religion' in a vague way. Up until recently, I didn't know she exists. I was never aware that her 'videos' had already made a cult following of some sort. So it was all a hoax...

you think your job sucks?

sure there are a lot of things in our current job that we might be bitchy about. This always happens when we feel that we are stuck in a rut somehow. We always whine about our workload, deadlines, bosses and all. It seems that we are missing out on something and we get envious of other people's achievements that we aspire to become one of them someday or in the near future. But how about those people who are not lucky enough to land their dream job? We might think we are never given the best opportunities out there, but what about them? Here are some examples of what could be considered the WORST JOBS :

1) telemarketers - since I am in the BPO industry, I could very well understand and sympathize with these type of salespersons. It is a thankless job and if you happen to be a telemarketer, you would readily admit that 95% of the entire population hates you ~ for bugging them, calling them endlessly, asking for their personal information, trying your mightiest to patronize whatever products you're trying to sell them. What could be worse than convincing people to buy stuff they would never have any use of anyway?

2) store clerks doing demos - I'm sure you've seen them in the mall with their mock set up-slash-worktable with the numerous kitchen/home gadgets spread out. It's like watching one of those infomercials ~ only you see it live. They show you how to remove stains from clothes, carpet, rugs, etc. They show you simple kitchen recipes done in minutes or kitchen remedies for that matter. They'll teach you how to operate a miniature vacuum cleaner, a sawing machine, a blender, a meat grinder/fruit-slicer, etc. And all this time, you see them doing it all day, saying the same spiel over and over again~ even when there's no one watching at all. And yet there they are, standing in the same spot the entire time, doing their miserable job.

3) promodizers - from my understanding, they're the ones who are stationed at supermarkets, holding a sample of their products, convincing you to try their brand. As mentioned above, they do their work standing all day, dressed in those colorful outfits ~ the same color of their products' packaging, I might add. I have one funny incident involving them recently. I was doing my grocery shopping and these two girls/promodizers from competing brands pounced on one hapless 'victim'. While the customer was talking to the other lady, this girl from the other brand interrupted the conversation rather rudely and proceeded to 'hard sell' the hapless customer. In the end, the customer was swayed to buy the other girl's brand ~ to the detriment of the other lady. Oh she was fuming mad and started lecturing the other girl that she wasn't trained that way~ to steal other people's customer. The other girl was just amused and took it in stride, she got the sale anyway. Talk about competition.

4) security guards - they risk their life and limb for a measly salary, and they're not even properly trained to handle difficult situations like robbery or theft. They merely stand at the entrance of a commercial establishment looking bored, most of the time distracted, and sometimes they merely sleep at their jobs. Their primary function is to open doors to customers entering/exiting the establishment and greet them with 'good morning maam, sir/thank you for coming maam, sir'.

So you see, we have a lot to be thankful for, for not ending up with a job that would surely bore you to tears ~ or will kill you...

the bandwagon effect (the blue pill or the red pill?)

i don't believe that people should plan their lives according to what the society dictates, nor they should pattern their lives out of others, hoping they would get lucky too. I have news for you people : that's bullcrap. Just because your peers have all gone and are already moving on with their lives doesn't mean you're meant to do the same. Talk about peer pressure. I mean, don't get me wrong, if your friends have started branching out to other stuff, then good for them. It's what they've always wanted to do. But for other people to model themselves out of their peers and trying the same thing just for the heck of it, I think there must be something wrong there. And don't tell me they're just going with the flow. C'mon. I believe no one should take charge of their lives but themselves. You should be the one who would be able to know if it's already time for you to move on or not. You should be able to dictate what happens in your life. Of course what with fate and all, I guess whatever/wherever you end up with would be the result of that. Then again, it was probably because of the choices you made with your life.

My destiny is different from other people. If I choose one path it's because I chose to be on that path and not because someone else have decided for me. If bad things are bound to happen to me, then it's because I made the decision. I should be able to own up to my mistakes, right? If I feel that it's not the right time for me to do any major decisions in my life then I won't probably do it. I usually just trust my instincts. Gut feel. I don't wanna go where everybody else goes, because what if it's not for me in the first place? Then I would probably end up being unhappy. I have observed that most people map out their lives early on, right down to the very last detail as if everything depends on it. Of course, it's not bad to prepare for the rainy days but most of the time, people don't realize that however you plan ahead, surprises are bound to happen. You don't always get what you want in the end. If you were expecting to achieve the same goals you aspired for 20 years ago and don't get it, you just end up being disappointed and/or frustrated. Maybe you thought what you wanted was supposed to happen. Sometimes you realize it wasn't what you wanted after all. Maybe fate has something else for you all along.

Maybe I should try to stop analyzing what I'm supposed to do with my life, and just let fate take over . And now I'm contradicting myself. Who am I kidding anyway?

learning chutzpah

as much as I hate to admit it, I wasn't a very studious person back in college. I don't read textbooks religiously (not unless it's a really, really interesting subject) and would usually cram for exams. I would only read my notes on the night of the exam or even the day itself, an hour before an exam is scheduled. It's a miracle that I've passed all my subjects. Math subjects were always a bit of a problem for me. It's always been my waterloo. I had to befriend the class geek just so I can be mentored on complicated formulas and the like. But I faired well enough in most of my subjects ~ even spanish. Although I eventually un-learn my spanish after I graduated. I couldn't practice the language simply because there's no one who speaks spanish in my circle. How was I to know that I would be able to use it in my current job? But anyway, I've enjoyed going to school, meeting up with schoolmates after or in-between classes. I've tried to stay away from campus politics ~ unsuccessfully I might add. I was forced by my adviser to run for a noted class position since no one wanted to challenge the other party. I eventually lost simply because my heart wasn't into it in the first place. I didn't have the reese witherspoon competitive complex that time (reese's character from the movie Election). But then again, most of my posse that time were active in campus politics. I even attended their meetings once or twice.

Anyway back to my story, I never considered myself a role model or a perfect student. I was merely trying to finish my education, coping with the day-to-day demands of professors, co-existing peacefully with my classmates ~ and of course just enjoying my carefree student life. Now that I'm finally on my feet, living independently away from family, I have come to realize the importance of learning and knowledge per se. Though it is true that you don't learn everything within the four corners of a classroom. When you graduate, you're on your own. Eventhough mentors provided you with the necessary tools~ and advise for surviving the real world, it's still up to you which direction you want to take. They can only do so much. Acquired knowledge gets you a decent job. Learned skills gets you promoted faster, although not in some cases.

I have come to realize that whatever knowledge you have gained from school will never prepare you for the real thing. The real deal is, other factors affect your advancement, professionally and personally. It dawned on me recently that however I keep myself up-to-date with the rest of the world and however I prepare myself from the onslaught of globalization, never-ending industrialization and creeping consumerism, I always find myself cramming to learn everything~ or at least know a little bit of something. But of course that cannot be done all in one day. Then again the next day, something new has developed and other matters would materialize and has to be learned again. And so the cycle goes on. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with the world that's forever rushing forward. Like I said, nothing will ever prepare you, you always have to keep your head above the water because the world will always evolve . . .

being capt. jack sparrow

like captain jack sparrow, you don't abandon your ship just because everyone in your crew started jumping ship ~ not even if the flying dutchman is hot on your heels. . .

bracing myself

so now i'm sporting my new braces and i'm finding it hard to speak and pronounce certain words since the metal brackets gets in the way. I totally feel hesitant to flash a grin or a smile. What's worse, I can't properly eat. I feel like there's a metal grinder shoved in my mouth everytime I try to eat something. My dentist advised me to eat soft foods and mostly liquids at the moment. Hopefully, I would lose weight because of this. . .

playuh

so my beau just gave me this spanking new mp3 player the other day. I must say that I am quite satisfied with it, given the fact that it was a replacement from the original thing he wanted to give me. I almost threw a fit when he showed me the first one. To say the least, I didn't like it. I know I may sound like a beyotch for being so picky and petty about the whole thing but I thought what he picked that time wasn't practical since I could only download a few songs. It wasn't even user-friendly to say the least. Sure it has an FM radio, a voice recorder and such but I figured it wasn't all worth it. I didn't get the value for what it's worth. So I refused to take it. But the other day, he returned the damn useless mp3 to the seller and replaced it with a new one, a better one. And I'm happy with it. I must admit though that I am not a gadget freak. So I am not really updated when it comes to the latest gadgets or gizmos. I'd be totally lost without a manual, he he he. I haven't really mastered the operations of my new mp3 player but it's not rocket science either, so... And just so you know, I am not a high-maintenance girlfriend so I value what my boyfriend gave me.

just another episode

I almost came in late for work today. Do you ever have that feeling that the forces of nature seem to be against you? Well, I just experienced it today. It seemed like everything was going wrong. The driver of the tricycle I was in got into a fight with another driver just as I was nearing my destination. Then the jeepney I happened to ride was sooo damn slow, stopping at every corner to get passengers. Then I had to take a long walk to the bus stop since the jeep didn't go to the usual route this morning. And of course, I couldn't get a bus ride along edsa as always. I was tempted to hail a taxi already when lo and behold, an ayala bus came in sight! It was almost full but I took my chances and got on the bus. And when I got to the office, all the seats were taken! Of all the... I had to wait for some people to log out before I can get a damn seat. To top it off, my office tools have gone bonkers. I couldn't seem to log into the system. I have to wait for some directive from the NY office! Just another reason why I don't like tuesdays. . . sigh!

My Topmost Pet Peeves :

1) When you're walking at a public place (street, mall, etc) and the person walking in front of you is sooo damn slow

2) When people stop to say hello to one another in the middle of the street (or mall) thus blocking your way

3) When store clerks follow you around when you're just window shopping

4) When store clerks follow you around suspiciously as if you're going to steal something

5) When store clerks go bonkers when you're just looking around the shop and don't buy something

6) When your nosy neighbor curiously looks at your grocery bag as you pass them to see what you've bought

7) When your neighbor decides for a videoke night wailing like a banshee till 4 o'clock in the morning thus preventing you from getting a good night's sleep

8) When strangers ask you personal questions (i.e how much you're earning from your current job, etc)

9) When you ride a bus/jeepney/FX and the person sitting next to you has a foul odor/didn't take a bath/is sweating profusely/farts

10) When people don't respect your personal space, figuratively and literally

11) When people stare at you from head to toe

12) When people eavesdrop and interrupts you in the middle of a conversation with another person

13) When bus/jeepney drivers don't know how to park properly along edsa or any other street for that matter

14) When taxi drivers ask for more than what's on the meter

15) When men don't give way to women/children at a public place

16) When store clerks ignore you just when you need to ask them something even though they are aware of your presence (the irony of it all!)

17) When people impose their views/beliefs on you