looks like stupidity is going to be the end of me. I have started something to which I do not know exactly how it's going to end-- or how to end it. It was a spur of the moment decision, or perhaps driven by the need to reach out and communicate-- forget everything and make things right? Or pretend whatever it was that drove me away did not happen. I had no intention of taking it to the next level. I might as well shoot myself in the leg. How do you explain this magnetic pull of attraction and repulsion? Am I playing a charade-- the same one that has brought an acquaintance to alienation and possibly banishment? Why am I doing this? It's like opening a can of worms. I have been in this road before, and yet here I am again, moving dangerously close. Will I ever learn? I do not share this person's sentiment, however sincere it might be. I do not want to endanger what I have right now. And yet...My wild imagination had probably preceded itself. So I find me contradicting my own self. I do not know where I stand or where I'm supposed to stand. To my chagrin, I am using an acquaintance's infamous declaration, "I want something new." But I certainly do not want any trappings of the emotional kind. I simply want it to be the way it was, before that insanity of a revelation which I didn't and still do not share. Perhaps I wanted a subsitute-- not a replica of the original thing. Certainly not. This does not even qualify as the same. Similar, but not the same. Well last night, I was suddenly possessed by the need to clarify things. The cynic in me came out in full force. I said things blatantly, convinced that my instincts were right. It was bingo, right on the mark. Caught in a tangle of lies and deceit and stupid role-playing games. A game that I thought wouldn't crossed over to reality tv. The lines became blurry. I was sorely disappointed. I believed what I have to believe, considering the person's nature-- not to mention personal knowledge of this person's character. My head wasn't full of cotton candy saccharine sweetness anymore. Like I said, I've been down the same road before. I am not going to make the same choice-- the wrong one. So now everything's quiet in the homefront. Maybe that is what I wanted in the first place. For this person to stop pestering me. Stop with the delusions. Get over it and move on. Get the hint.
