of back pains and sleeplessness

Here I am in my early thirties feeling the signs of aging. A year ago, I caught sight of my first white hair. That was mortifying. I thought I wouldn't get white hair until I'm fifty. These days my colleagues are but in their early twenties. They snicker when they learn you are way older than them. They crack jokes about your age. I don't get it really. I mean, they will be in the same age as I am eventually. Why make fun of others' age? It's just a number after all. Age is a state of mind. I mean, I don't feel ashamed to say I'm in my thirties. So what? But then again, certain changes in my body reminds me I AM feeling my age. I have fine lines in my forehead now. I get insomnia, back pains, and the early stages of hypertension. Added to that, is my weight gain that never seems to alter. Tsk. Gravity is taking over. Maintaining a slim figure and a healthy diet is just expensive. Yes, expensive. The more you want to eat healthier options, the more it gets expensive. I'll be damned.

looking ahead?

wow, it's been quite a while since I posted an entry here. I have been preoccupied with a lot of things. Mainly concerning my future. It's the third quarter of the year now and things have changed since my last post. I do not abhor the person or the intention anymore. I must have been too blind, stubborn and crazy to think it was a highway to hell. On the contrary, I think I'll be happy with this person. He has proven himself to be worthy of my attention-- and affection. But not all things have been ironed out just yet. We're taking things one step at a time. Baby steps. He knows what to expect. It's also dangerous and risky on my part. But I have been presented with a situation wherein I needed an option, a way out. It may not be the perfect plan, but it is a plan. I have to be realistic. I am not getting any younger, I can't afford to stay naive or idealistic. I have closed one looong chapter in my life. And I don't want another excruciating experience to happen again. It has been a painful journey so far but I got over it somehow. Of course there were times when I had wished it worked out the way I wanted to. That I could have swallowed my pride and start over. But I know that it's just not gonna be the same. I can never bring back the person I have loved and lost. It will never turn out the way I had imagined it to anyway. True, it's wistful and whimsical to be with the man of your dreams, but reality has to take precedence. and now, I'm taking another path to happiness. Career-wise, not so good. I still do not know what to expect in the future. I'm still at a loss on what to do with my career. But he already accepted me for what and who I am. The whole package. And I am grateful for that.

pandora's box

looks like stupidity is going to be the end of me. I have started something to which I do not know exactly how it's going to end-- or how to end it. It was a spur of the moment decision, or perhaps driven by the need to reach out and communicate-- forget everything and make things right? Or pretend whatever it was that drove me away did not happen. I had no intention of taking it to the next level. I might as well shoot myself in the leg. How do you explain this magnetic pull of attraction and repulsion? Am I playing a charade-- the same one that has brought an acquaintance to alienation and possibly banishment? Why am I doing this? It's like opening a can of worms. I have been in this road before, and yet here I am again, moving dangerously close. Will I ever learn? I do not share this person's sentiment, however sincere it might be. I do not want to endanger what I have right now. And yet...My wild imagination had probably preceded itself. So I find me contradicting my own self. I do not know where I stand or where I'm supposed to stand. To my chagrin, I am using an acquaintance's infamous declaration, "I want something new." But I certainly do not want any trappings of the emotional kind. I simply want it to be the way it was, before that insanity of a revelation which I didn't and still do not share. Perhaps I wanted a subsitute-- not a replica of the original thing. Certainly not. This does not even qualify as the same. Similar, but not the same. Well last night, I was suddenly possessed by the need to clarify things. The cynic in me came out in full force. I said things blatantly, convinced that my instincts were right. It was bingo, right on the mark. Caught in a tangle of lies and deceit and stupid role-playing games. A game that I thought wouldn't crossed over to reality tv. The lines became blurry. I was sorely disappointed. I believed what I have to believe, considering the person's nature-- not to mention personal knowledge of this person's character. My head wasn't full of cotton candy saccharine sweetness anymore. Like I said, I've been down the same road before. I am not going to make the same choice-- the wrong one. So now everything's quiet in the homefront. Maybe that is what I wanted in the first place. For this person to stop pestering me. Stop with the delusions. Get over it and move on. Get the hint.

split-second

something major has to happen next year. I can almost feel it. The clock is ticking in my head-- and my patience is wearing dangerously thin. My present abode is really giving me migraines--something of the perpetual kind. I had to block out the noise, the oh-so-pretentious, bragging kind. Really can't stand it any longer. Day in and day out I had to listen to them freaks, falling over themselves creating this fantastic bullshit of a story that only exists in their stupid heads..losers. Any hopes of a career change just had to take a backseat for a while. After all, I had gained new friends in the office and I wouldn't wanna mess that up. I am slowly gaining ground in the career department--although there are still too many wishful-thinkings. But that's obliterated at the moment by the sheer force of my desire to bolt from the pit. It's like I can hear them screaming in my head all the time that I have this irrisistable urge to slap them hard. It's like a nightmare that keeps repeating itself, with no end in sight. I need to get away from them fast. Have to get away before I go bonkers.

bitches and cream

Labels—we never seem to get enough of it. We label things and people like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Labeling has become the habit of most people these days. It’s supposed to make life more interesting. For what is life without its ups and downs, its little surprises? There is no utopia—it’s practically non-existent, not in this present world anyway. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so they say. We deal with what we can in our own way. The outcome will be the result of our actions whether we like it or not. And that’s karma for you.

I myself am not immune to labels. I must admit, I am guilty of it—in some level. But what is a bitch? Generally, people have a negative perception of women who fall under this category. For me, there are 2 types of bitches : a) the one who makes everyone’s life a living hell just for the heck of it (it follows that this person has issues of her own), and b) my favorite, the one who pursues what she wants, regardless of the obstacles that she has to face. Personality-wise, I prefer being the latter, it has a certain edge to it. A bitch is a tough chick, a woman who knows what she wants—and usually gets it.

Most people perceive that when a girl is too aggressive for her own good whether in her present job or in her pursuit of personal happiness, she is labeled a bitch. But hey, maybe one has to be a bitch in order to gain the respect of your superiors, to climb the corporate ladder, at the same time, attain one’s goals, especially in this male-dominated society where almost everything has to be done or decided upon by our male colleagues, etc. In a patriarchal society like ours, a woman has to be assertive in some level. Otherwise, her work never gets noticed, credit is never given to her. Instead, she’s just relegated to the sidelines. Politics usually gets in the way, too. A bitch takes charge of her life, is confident about herself, not afraid to speak her mind and knows how to juggle her career and family life—a balancing act which requires dedication and a lot of guts.

Being a bitch is about taking risks, facing your fears, and making the most of what you have. It is not just being aggressive, it’s also being a role model to your peers, very much au fait about what’s happening around you. It’s about being involved with things that really matter and being aware of one’s sense of worth. But of course, there is no such thing as a perfect woman. We’re not superheroes with superpowers. We deal with our own pain, we suffer like every other human being, we get hurt one too many times. Yet, we go on with our lives, we learn from our mistakes and hope we never fall into the same mistake again. A bitch has to have a heart, too, you know. As one song goes, ‘a heart that hurts is a heart that works’. I also bitch about everything, when things aren’t going well in my life—or when I don’t expect them to happen. A knee-jerk reaction perhaps. The point is, you don’t dwell on them too much—otherwise, it will just make you feel miserable. You have to move on because life is not going to wait around for you. You just learn to be stronger, be a better person. Of course, a bitch could also be a girl sometimes; she’s not afraid to show her femininity. She giggles, she gushes about the latest fashion trends, she wears make-up, worries about zits on her face and drools over some hunk—even if he’s a jerk. She goes out with her girl friends and has fun. She’s passionate about what she does and is in touch with her feelings. She loves sunsets, rainbows and bubble baths. She appreciates nature. So what makes a bitch? All of the above!

musings (Sep-8-09)

I feel like I’m about to succumb to another bout of baby blues. That feeling of being stuck in the rut is beginning to creep its way back into my consciousness. I know it’s just a matter of time before it’s going to show its ugly face again. I had this very important interview last Friday—or should I say early morning of Saturday, just before I ended my shift. It was all so very sudden—without a warning. I wasn’t prepared to do an interview that day, especially when my shift was about to end. Nevertheless, given the circumstances, I gave it my best shot. I admit, I could’ve done better but… anyways, I do not want to raise my hopes up, considering a lot of qualified people have also sent in their applications. Next week they would announce the results. Only one name would be picked. After this, I don’t know what I’ll do, or where I’ll be. I have a backup plan but even that I’m not entirely sure it’s going to push through. I have been bypassed so many times that I think I’ve gotten used to it. Perhaps I allowed myself to be trampled on by people? Perhaps, I didn’t play my cards right. It would probably shock me if I was chosen. Thing is, I’m not even sure I want it anymore. I mean, sure I want to move up but perhaps it would be in another company, doing an entirely different thing. That’s how I imagine it anyway. I don’t even know if I have it in me. My circle of influence does not stretch out that very far. Would people follow my lead? Will they respect me? Will they eventually trust me? All I wanted was to grow professionally, make my mark somehow. I don’t know if I will ever get that chance, a chance to prove my worth. Is it too late? Or is this it for me?

not quite there yet

I’m in a constant search for greatness. For as long as I could remember, I have searched this elusive quality with every person that I meet. Rarely do I find this greatness in people. And I’m not referring to material affluence or power—political or otherwise. There was a time when I thought I had a glimpse of this greatness in one or two people that I have met-- only to be sorely disappointed. Perhaps I put them in such high esteem, belatedly realizing they’re also human, with human faults. I had this epiphany recently that I cannot hold back people close to me. I cannot force them to stay with me, take the same course or choose the same path. I realized that every chance, every meeting have its own purpose. Perhaps, my purpose had ended with them, which is why we part ways. And when we meet again over time, it isn’t the same. Thoughts and feelings no longer go back to that magical time in the beginning, when you thought that one person could do wonders, could change your entire outlook in life, could influence others. Maybe every person has their own definition of greatness. Maybe the very definition of greatness changes as we grow old, or as we acquire new experiences. Yes, perhaps I was destined to meet them for a single purpose: to teach me a lesson. A lesson that one must learn once the purpose had manifested itself. Then you learn to let go. You no longer feel pain and despair at the thought of losing them. You set them free. You let them fulfill their own destiny. Letting go is the hardest part. Sometimes, we don’t get over it at all. Yet time can change your mind set. Experience makes us see things in a different light. Perhaps it is just a matter of having the right attitude. But how can one achieve greatness? Is it inborn? Is it learned? Or is it just a feeling of awareness? Of being selfless, passionate and bold? Perhaps it is a gift that only a very select few are endowed with. In the meantime, I’m still desperately looking for it… not wanting to give up. Hopefully one day I will write about finding it…hope floats somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart.