not quite there yet

I’m in a constant search for greatness. For as long as I could remember, I have searched this elusive quality with every person that I meet. Rarely do I find this greatness in people. And I’m not referring to material affluence or power—political or otherwise. There was a time when I thought I had a glimpse of this greatness in one or two people that I have met-- only to be sorely disappointed. Perhaps I put them in such high esteem, belatedly realizing they’re also human, with human faults. I had this epiphany recently that I cannot hold back people close to me. I cannot force them to stay with me, take the same course or choose the same path. I realized that every chance, every meeting have its own purpose. Perhaps, my purpose had ended with them, which is why we part ways. And when we meet again over time, it isn’t the same. Thoughts and feelings no longer go back to that magical time in the beginning, when you thought that one person could do wonders, could change your entire outlook in life, could influence others. Maybe every person has their own definition of greatness. Maybe the very definition of greatness changes as we grow old, or as we acquire new experiences. Yes, perhaps I was destined to meet them for a single purpose: to teach me a lesson. A lesson that one must learn once the purpose had manifested itself. Then you learn to let go. You no longer feel pain and despair at the thought of losing them. You set them free. You let them fulfill their own destiny. Letting go is the hardest part. Sometimes, we don’t get over it at all. Yet time can change your mind set. Experience makes us see things in a different light. Perhaps it is just a matter of having the right attitude. But how can one achieve greatness? Is it inborn? Is it learned? Or is it just a feeling of awareness? Of being selfless, passionate and bold? Perhaps it is a gift that only a very select few are endowed with. In the meantime, I’m still desperately looking for it… not wanting to give up. Hopefully one day I will write about finding it…hope floats somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart.

the unbearable state of being

I haven’t written an entry to this blog for several months now. So many things have transpired that simply took my fixation away from it. I have been meaning to write down my thoughts but it seemed the moments don’t come at the right time—or the right place. It is such an inconvenience when you don’t bring a laptop with you everyday to write down your thoughts. Leading up to this sad event of mourning for a great woman in yellow, I had been battling my own personal demons. The changes that occurred in my career had wrecked havoc upon my state of being—mostly in my sleeping habits. It isn’t just about going to bed and waking up at the right time to get to work, although time and gravity had taken a hold of it. It has gone beyond that. I now find myself in a bit of a pickle over a lot of things. Career-wise, I’m stagnant. The working environment was no longer the same. I now wonder where my enthusiasm went. I no longer look forward to coming to work. Instead, I dreaded it. I dreaded doing the same routine over and over again. The people I admire at work were all long gone. The few friends that remained have taken their own paths. This mixed feeling of depression and dread had become apparent so much so that I have difficulty sleeping. My mind refuses to shut down when I want it to. And when I want it to be working properly, it simply would draw blank. I have taken a few pills to help me reduce this what I know now is called “anxiety attacks”. This wonder pill also happens to promote sleep. It’s a mild tranquilizer that was prescribed by the doctor. I don’t take it religiously of course. I do not want to be dependent on it. I just want to regulate my sleeping habit. It does prove to be helpful. Although lately I haven’t taken them. Going back to my dilemma, I feel like I’m in a swirling mass of frustration, anxiety, and fear; riding in an emotional roller-coaster. In short, I’m in a quagmire. My thoughts are a mess. I have recently had a fall-out with a long-time “special friend”. Someone who had been gone for too long and has now expressed his desire to return. This person had greatly disappointed me more than any other person had in my lifetime. I had put him in a pedestal—almost worshipped him, only to learn that he is a mere mortal; not someone invincible like I thought he was. Clearly I was wrong. But he did have one thing; he had the power to hurt me—over and over again. He tried to make amends with me, for the disturbance he had caused me but somehow, our relationship—whatever it is—had ended on a bad note. Recent events in his life had proven he wasn’t the guy I used to know. This falling out have taken its toll on my emotional well-being. He had come back into my life at a time when I am also feeling down. My destination is somewhat undefined at the moment. Then he had to come back only to bring me more pain. Perhaps this is the reason why I feel betrayed. He had to take it up a notch, messing it all up all over again. But somehow, this emotional separation that I had established between us is just what I’m looking for--the right antidote to finally move on. Now I just don’t know how everything else will play out. I’m hoping to see some positive changes soon. Maybe a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?