of back pains and sleeplessness

Here I am in my early thirties feeling the signs of aging. A year ago, I caught sight of my first white hair. That was mortifying. I thought I wouldn't get white hair until I'm fifty. These days my colleagues are but in their early twenties. They snicker when they learn you are way older than them. They crack jokes about your age. I don't get it really. I mean, they will be in the same age as I am eventually. Why make fun of others' age? It's just a number after all. Age is a state of mind. I mean, I don't feel ashamed to say I'm in my thirties. So what? But then again, certain changes in my body reminds me I AM feeling my age. I have fine lines in my forehead now. I get insomnia, back pains, and the early stages of hypertension. Added to that, is my weight gain that never seems to alter. Tsk. Gravity is taking over. Maintaining a slim figure and a healthy diet is just expensive. Yes, expensive. The more you want to eat healthier options, the more it gets expensive. I'll be damned.

looking ahead?

wow, it's been quite a while since I posted an entry here. I have been preoccupied with a lot of things. Mainly concerning my future. It's the third quarter of the year now and things have changed since my last post. I do not abhor the person or the intention anymore. I must have been too blind, stubborn and crazy to think it was a highway to hell. On the contrary, I think I'll be happy with this person. He has proven himself to be worthy of my attention-- and affection. But not all things have been ironed out just yet. We're taking things one step at a time. Baby steps. He knows what to expect. It's also dangerous and risky on my part. But I have been presented with a situation wherein I needed an option, a way out. It may not be the perfect plan, but it is a plan. I have to be realistic. I am not getting any younger, I can't afford to stay naive or idealistic. I have closed one looong chapter in my life. And I don't want another excruciating experience to happen again. It has been a painful journey so far but I got over it somehow. Of course there were times when I had wished it worked out the way I wanted to. That I could have swallowed my pride and start over. But I know that it's just not gonna be the same. I can never bring back the person I have loved and lost. It will never turn out the way I had imagined it to anyway. True, it's wistful and whimsical to be with the man of your dreams, but reality has to take precedence. and now, I'm taking another path to happiness. Career-wise, not so good. I still do not know what to expect in the future. I'm still at a loss on what to do with my career. But he already accepted me for what and who I am. The whole package. And I am grateful for that.

pandora's box

looks like stupidity is going to be the end of me. I have started something to which I do not know exactly how it's going to end-- or how to end it. It was a spur of the moment decision, or perhaps driven by the need to reach out and communicate-- forget everything and make things right? Or pretend whatever it was that drove me away did not happen. I had no intention of taking it to the next level. I might as well shoot myself in the leg. How do you explain this magnetic pull of attraction and repulsion? Am I playing a charade-- the same one that has brought an acquaintance to alienation and possibly banishment? Why am I doing this? It's like opening a can of worms. I have been in this road before, and yet here I am again, moving dangerously close. Will I ever learn? I do not share this person's sentiment, however sincere it might be. I do not want to endanger what I have right now. And yet...My wild imagination had probably preceded itself. So I find me contradicting my own self. I do not know where I stand or where I'm supposed to stand. To my chagrin, I am using an acquaintance's infamous declaration, "I want something new." But I certainly do not want any trappings of the emotional kind. I simply want it to be the way it was, before that insanity of a revelation which I didn't and still do not share. Perhaps I wanted a subsitute-- not a replica of the original thing. Certainly not. This does not even qualify as the same. Similar, but not the same. Well last night, I was suddenly possessed by the need to clarify things. The cynic in me came out in full force. I said things blatantly, convinced that my instincts were right. It was bingo, right on the mark. Caught in a tangle of lies and deceit and stupid role-playing games. A game that I thought wouldn't crossed over to reality tv. The lines became blurry. I was sorely disappointed. I believed what I have to believe, considering the person's nature-- not to mention personal knowledge of this person's character. My head wasn't full of cotton candy saccharine sweetness anymore. Like I said, I've been down the same road before. I am not going to make the same choice-- the wrong one. So now everything's quiet in the homefront. Maybe that is what I wanted in the first place. For this person to stop pestering me. Stop with the delusions. Get over it and move on. Get the hint.

split-second

something major has to happen next year. I can almost feel it. The clock is ticking in my head-- and my patience is wearing dangerously thin. My present abode is really giving me migraines--something of the perpetual kind. I had to block out the noise, the oh-so-pretentious, bragging kind. Really can't stand it any longer. Day in and day out I had to listen to them freaks, falling over themselves creating this fantastic bullshit of a story that only exists in their stupid heads..losers. Any hopes of a career change just had to take a backseat for a while. After all, I had gained new friends in the office and I wouldn't wanna mess that up. I am slowly gaining ground in the career department--although there are still too many wishful-thinkings. But that's obliterated at the moment by the sheer force of my desire to bolt from the pit. It's like I can hear them screaming in my head all the time that I have this irrisistable urge to slap them hard. It's like a nightmare that keeps repeating itself, with no end in sight. I need to get away from them fast. Have to get away before I go bonkers.

bitches and cream

Labels—we never seem to get enough of it. We label things and people like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Labeling has become the habit of most people these days. It’s supposed to make life more interesting. For what is life without its ups and downs, its little surprises? There is no utopia—it’s practically non-existent, not in this present world anyway. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so they say. We deal with what we can in our own way. The outcome will be the result of our actions whether we like it or not. And that’s karma for you.

I myself am not immune to labels. I must admit, I am guilty of it—in some level. But what is a bitch? Generally, people have a negative perception of women who fall under this category. For me, there are 2 types of bitches : a) the one who makes everyone’s life a living hell just for the heck of it (it follows that this person has issues of her own), and b) my favorite, the one who pursues what she wants, regardless of the obstacles that she has to face. Personality-wise, I prefer being the latter, it has a certain edge to it. A bitch is a tough chick, a woman who knows what she wants—and usually gets it.

Most people perceive that when a girl is too aggressive for her own good whether in her present job or in her pursuit of personal happiness, she is labeled a bitch. But hey, maybe one has to be a bitch in order to gain the respect of your superiors, to climb the corporate ladder, at the same time, attain one’s goals, especially in this male-dominated society where almost everything has to be done or decided upon by our male colleagues, etc. In a patriarchal society like ours, a woman has to be assertive in some level. Otherwise, her work never gets noticed, credit is never given to her. Instead, she’s just relegated to the sidelines. Politics usually gets in the way, too. A bitch takes charge of her life, is confident about herself, not afraid to speak her mind and knows how to juggle her career and family life—a balancing act which requires dedication and a lot of guts.

Being a bitch is about taking risks, facing your fears, and making the most of what you have. It is not just being aggressive, it’s also being a role model to your peers, very much au fait about what’s happening around you. It’s about being involved with things that really matter and being aware of one’s sense of worth. But of course, there is no such thing as a perfect woman. We’re not superheroes with superpowers. We deal with our own pain, we suffer like every other human being, we get hurt one too many times. Yet, we go on with our lives, we learn from our mistakes and hope we never fall into the same mistake again. A bitch has to have a heart, too, you know. As one song goes, ‘a heart that hurts is a heart that works’. I also bitch about everything, when things aren’t going well in my life—or when I don’t expect them to happen. A knee-jerk reaction perhaps. The point is, you don’t dwell on them too much—otherwise, it will just make you feel miserable. You have to move on because life is not going to wait around for you. You just learn to be stronger, be a better person. Of course, a bitch could also be a girl sometimes; she’s not afraid to show her femininity. She giggles, she gushes about the latest fashion trends, she wears make-up, worries about zits on her face and drools over some hunk—even if he’s a jerk. She goes out with her girl friends and has fun. She’s passionate about what she does and is in touch with her feelings. She loves sunsets, rainbows and bubble baths. She appreciates nature. So what makes a bitch? All of the above!

musings (Sep-8-09)

I feel like I’m about to succumb to another bout of baby blues. That feeling of being stuck in the rut is beginning to creep its way back into my consciousness. I know it’s just a matter of time before it’s going to show its ugly face again. I had this very important interview last Friday—or should I say early morning of Saturday, just before I ended my shift. It was all so very sudden—without a warning. I wasn’t prepared to do an interview that day, especially when my shift was about to end. Nevertheless, given the circumstances, I gave it my best shot. I admit, I could’ve done better but… anyways, I do not want to raise my hopes up, considering a lot of qualified people have also sent in their applications. Next week they would announce the results. Only one name would be picked. After this, I don’t know what I’ll do, or where I’ll be. I have a backup plan but even that I’m not entirely sure it’s going to push through. I have been bypassed so many times that I think I’ve gotten used to it. Perhaps I allowed myself to be trampled on by people? Perhaps, I didn’t play my cards right. It would probably shock me if I was chosen. Thing is, I’m not even sure I want it anymore. I mean, sure I want to move up but perhaps it would be in another company, doing an entirely different thing. That’s how I imagine it anyway. I don’t even know if I have it in me. My circle of influence does not stretch out that very far. Would people follow my lead? Will they respect me? Will they eventually trust me? All I wanted was to grow professionally, make my mark somehow. I don’t know if I will ever get that chance, a chance to prove my worth. Is it too late? Or is this it for me?

not quite there yet

I’m in a constant search for greatness. For as long as I could remember, I have searched this elusive quality with every person that I meet. Rarely do I find this greatness in people. And I’m not referring to material affluence or power—political or otherwise. There was a time when I thought I had a glimpse of this greatness in one or two people that I have met-- only to be sorely disappointed. Perhaps I put them in such high esteem, belatedly realizing they’re also human, with human faults. I had this epiphany recently that I cannot hold back people close to me. I cannot force them to stay with me, take the same course or choose the same path. I realized that every chance, every meeting have its own purpose. Perhaps, my purpose had ended with them, which is why we part ways. And when we meet again over time, it isn’t the same. Thoughts and feelings no longer go back to that magical time in the beginning, when you thought that one person could do wonders, could change your entire outlook in life, could influence others. Maybe every person has their own definition of greatness. Maybe the very definition of greatness changes as we grow old, or as we acquire new experiences. Yes, perhaps I was destined to meet them for a single purpose: to teach me a lesson. A lesson that one must learn once the purpose had manifested itself. Then you learn to let go. You no longer feel pain and despair at the thought of losing them. You set them free. You let them fulfill their own destiny. Letting go is the hardest part. Sometimes, we don’t get over it at all. Yet time can change your mind set. Experience makes us see things in a different light. Perhaps it is just a matter of having the right attitude. But how can one achieve greatness? Is it inborn? Is it learned? Or is it just a feeling of awareness? Of being selfless, passionate and bold? Perhaps it is a gift that only a very select few are endowed with. In the meantime, I’m still desperately looking for it… not wanting to give up. Hopefully one day I will write about finding it…hope floats somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart.

the unbearable state of being

I haven’t written an entry to this blog for several months now. So many things have transpired that simply took my fixation away from it. I have been meaning to write down my thoughts but it seemed the moments don’t come at the right time—or the right place. It is such an inconvenience when you don’t bring a laptop with you everyday to write down your thoughts. Leading up to this sad event of mourning for a great woman in yellow, I had been battling my own personal demons. The changes that occurred in my career had wrecked havoc upon my state of being—mostly in my sleeping habits. It isn’t just about going to bed and waking up at the right time to get to work, although time and gravity had taken a hold of it. It has gone beyond that. I now find myself in a bit of a pickle over a lot of things. Career-wise, I’m stagnant. The working environment was no longer the same. I now wonder where my enthusiasm went. I no longer look forward to coming to work. Instead, I dreaded it. I dreaded doing the same routine over and over again. The people I admire at work were all long gone. The few friends that remained have taken their own paths. This mixed feeling of depression and dread had become apparent so much so that I have difficulty sleeping. My mind refuses to shut down when I want it to. And when I want it to be working properly, it simply would draw blank. I have taken a few pills to help me reduce this what I know now is called “anxiety attacks”. This wonder pill also happens to promote sleep. It’s a mild tranquilizer that was prescribed by the doctor. I don’t take it religiously of course. I do not want to be dependent on it. I just want to regulate my sleeping habit. It does prove to be helpful. Although lately I haven’t taken them. Going back to my dilemma, I feel like I’m in a swirling mass of frustration, anxiety, and fear; riding in an emotional roller-coaster. In short, I’m in a quagmire. My thoughts are a mess. I have recently had a fall-out with a long-time “special friend”. Someone who had been gone for too long and has now expressed his desire to return. This person had greatly disappointed me more than any other person had in my lifetime. I had put him in a pedestal—almost worshipped him, only to learn that he is a mere mortal; not someone invincible like I thought he was. Clearly I was wrong. But he did have one thing; he had the power to hurt me—over and over again. He tried to make amends with me, for the disturbance he had caused me but somehow, our relationship—whatever it is—had ended on a bad note. Recent events in his life had proven he wasn’t the guy I used to know. This falling out have taken its toll on my emotional well-being. He had come back into my life at a time when I am also feeling down. My destination is somewhat undefined at the moment. Then he had to come back only to bring me more pain. Perhaps this is the reason why I feel betrayed. He had to take it up a notch, messing it all up all over again. But somehow, this emotional separation that I had established between us is just what I’m looking for--the right antidote to finally move on. Now I just don’t know how everything else will play out. I’m hoping to see some positive changes soon. Maybe a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

departure for flight A/X

I never thought I'd live to see the day that my account would be dissolved-- and in such haste. True, there has been musings here and there but I guess everybody just brushed it aside, thinking it would never happen. After all, this account has been in existence for as long as I could remember. How unfortunate that this would happen. A sad fact that I'm still digesting bit by bit. I'm unhappy about this sudden turn of events but what can we do? It's beyond our control. Then again, maybe this is all for the best--a change for the better? I hate goodbyes. I'm terrible at it. And I don't want any drama, so..... xoxo

i hate tuesdays

unseen forces seem to conspire against me on this particular day. Everything goes berserk. If it's not raining on my way to work, then traffic would be at a stand still. Then of course, the bus I happen to ride on seems to think it's a field trip-- not a rush hour. The driver would stop at every corner scouting for passengers. I get to the floor and I'm greeted with the buzzing noise of the floor, full to the brim with talking heads. On this particular day, it's hot-seating so I have to look for an available seat. By the time I sat down, I will only have 3 to 5 minutes to spare to set up my workstation. By this time, I feel like walking out and going back home to the comforts of my bed. Since I only have a few minutes to spare, I will not be able to read any updates in the mail. This is my normal routine, actually. I have to read any updates before I log in so that I could relay the correct info to the customers. The worst part is? I always get loooooong calls on a Tuesday. And not just long calls-- complicated ones. I hate it.

like a mantra

I do not subscribe to mediocrity. I refuse to accept the status quo. I do not want to belong nor be identified with any group. I am myself. I am a conundrum of ideas, of trajectories, of wistful imaginations and contradictories. I do not subject myself to the inane and ordinary. I am not some random girl with seemingly random thoughts. I may have my own prejudices and biases but this is me. I exist. Therefore, I am.

better than expected

most of the time, I forget that attending obligatory family gatherings can be nice. Even therapeutic. Aside from the normal catching up on each other's lives, there's the funny anecdotes and bloopers from family members/relatives. And of course the abundance of food. This year, my tita was not able to cook her famous home-made lasagna recipe (which is actually the first menu to disappear on the table). She said that due to her hectic schedule, she was not able to buy some of the necessary ingredients on time, which meant the supermarkets ran out of stock. But she compensated by cooking the ever-present spaghetti this season, among other things of course. Mind you, this is not just your regular pinoy spaghetti served in most households. Her pasta recipes are always to die for. This year, the pasta she used was bought all the way from Italy itself, the time when she, her husband and my pretty cousin went to Europe a few months back. She bought it at this 'pasta factory' somewhere in Venice. I actually saw their pictures from their Europe trip. I still can't believe they were able to get inside the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa. I gasped when I saw the photo of Marie Antoinette's bedroom up close, and of course, King Louise IV's room. The extravagance, the opulence, the grandeur. The chandeliers were real crystals! Anyway, I digress. I generally don't enjoy these family gatherings because some relatives ask too many personal questions-- such as how much you're earning so far. Or if you're moving up the corporate ladder, if at all. I squirm in my seat if the questions are about my personal relationships. I normally don't discuss them, unless it's a matter of urgency. However, I was able to survive this holiday season. I actually enjoyed myself. I felt relieved and exultant even. Happy Solstice!

crapola

I admit, I can be very snooty, condescending and the most opinionated person sometimes. There are also days when I get annoyed so easily and lose my patience. And I thought I am a patient person. My annoyance usually shoots up during the holiday season. Everything just goes berserk. The mad rush. The packed malls. Picky taxi drivers. The unpredictable weather. You name it. The malls are the worst this time of the year. Not only you have to deal with the stampede of crazed shoppers but you also have to avoid crushing the toddlers wandering or running around the hallways. I just feel my disgust and displeasure over parents who bring their entire brood to the mall like it's a f*** park! Kids should be out there in open spaces preferably public parks so that they can enjoy the greenery-- not concrete pavement. It's also irritating to see couples doing the classic HHWW in the middle of a rush hour. I know they're wrapped up in their own worlds but geez, get a room! This is the time of year when I just want to hide under a rock and block out everything. I want to avoid being a part of the consumerism of this materialistic world. How I'd love to have some peace and quiet. And sleep. Lots of sleep.

same old, same old

to my utter disappointment, I was not chosen by this certain organization. I am no longer happy with the way things are going. Everyday I have to drag myself to work, forcing myself to do the same thing over and over again. I feel unfulfilled. I have no motivation anymore. I no longer go the extra mile for anything. I'm done. Everything I'm doing is no longer worth it.

catch up

so I was in this popular resort last October with my bf and some of my friends. I haven't been to the beach in a long time. Perhaps because I'm not a beach person. I abhor going to the beach especially during peak season. I hate crowds. Fortunately for us, the resort wasn't that full. So I had a relaxing time. I guess the most memorable time for me there was walking along the deserted beach at night with my bf and just gazing at the waning moon. Corny, I know. But what the heck.

My US candidate had won. Obama represents change. There had been a significant change in the company I work with. Maybe this is a sign for me. Change is forthcoming. Its inevitable. Like death and taxes.

song of the moment

Broken
(Lifehouse)

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

counting sheep

i'm having trouble sleeping lately. I have been sporting this 'panda look' for a few weeks now. Short of knocking myself unconscious by drowning myself with alcohol, I couldn't seem to fall asleep when I wanted to. Even if I go to bed early, I'd still be wide awake--and would normally toss and turn. My mind would still be reeling with thoughts, images, even songs. I couldn't will myself to go to sleep just like that. It used to be so easy. Waking up early for work is just as hell. I would report to work groggy and I would force myself to stay alert and would vow I'd go home early to catch up on my zzzs. But once I'm home and it's time to sleep, my dilemma would start all over again. This must be how heath ledger felt before the tragedy. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of pushing the envelope and just have an OD. I hate taking meds anyway. So that is not an option. Drinking a glass of milk before bedtime? It would only make me feel full, all the more I would find it hard to go to sleep. I hate the dark shadows under my eyes. And I feel too lazy to put an eye cream to lessen the effect. I just feel so blah about it. I wish my bodyclock would return to normal. I compensate my lack of sleep on my restdays. I just sleep all day. Maybe that's the culprit?

one totally orgasmic movie

watching Sex And The City on the big screen was an experience. The first thing you're tempted to do after leaving the theater is to go on a shopping spree. The movie makes you salivate on fashion : Prada, Gucci, Louis Vuitton -- you name it. I love the bags! I drool everytime Carrie is shown wearing those high, high Manolo Blahnik shoes! The clothes are even to die for! They were just amazing! I wish I can afford to buy them-- in a million years maybe. Too bad there were scenes that were cut. One of the best things about the movie was, I get to see Mr. Big again. Ha! That's one of the reasons why I watched the series! He just looks so good in a suit. I thought he and Carrie were not gonna end up together. For a moment there I thought there wouldn't be no happy ending for Carrie Bradshaw--the ultimate queen of style. Anyhow, watching the movie is totally fun. It was not at all superficial. It also makes you reflect on life--and love. Anyway, there are two things that I learned in this movie : 1) Women shouldn't feel apologetic about loving themselves more than their man-- such was the case with Samantha; and 2) Marriage is a decision best made by two adults who respect and love each other--when the right time comes, and not because they feel pressured by other people or by society. This movie is highly recommended...gay or straight.

life's greatest lesson :

wear sunscreen!

lovin' this song

funny how certain songs give you such profound effect the first time you hear them...

ON THE SIDE OF ME
by : Corrinne May

i'm not the easiest person to love
i'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
yet you choose to be
on the side of me, on the side of me
yet you choose to be
on the side of me, on the side of me

i'm not too proud of some things
i've done in my life
the skeletons in my closet
are too big for me to hide

yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me, blessed charity
you're on the side of me, on the side of me

cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
i remember when nobody cared but you

i'm not the easiest person to love
but you, you've opened your heart to show me
what I'm worth

cause you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me
what a mystery, you're on the side of me
on the side of me

cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

i remember when nobody cared
i remember when nobody cared
nobody cared but you

yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me