the unbearable state of being

I haven’t written an entry to this blog for several months now. So many things have transpired that simply took my fixation away from it. I have been meaning to write down my thoughts but it seemed the moments don’t come at the right time—or the right place. It is such an inconvenience when you don’t bring a laptop with you everyday to write down your thoughts. Leading up to this sad event of mourning for a great woman in yellow, I had been battling my own personal demons. The changes that occurred in my career had wrecked havoc upon my state of being—mostly in my sleeping habits. It isn’t just about going to bed and waking up at the right time to get to work, although time and gravity had taken a hold of it. It has gone beyond that. I now find myself in a bit of a pickle over a lot of things. Career-wise, I’m stagnant. The working environment was no longer the same. I now wonder where my enthusiasm went. I no longer look forward to coming to work. Instead, I dreaded it. I dreaded doing the same routine over and over again. The people I admire at work were all long gone. The few friends that remained have taken their own paths. This mixed feeling of depression and dread had become apparent so much so that I have difficulty sleeping. My mind refuses to shut down when I want it to. And when I want it to be working properly, it simply would draw blank. I have taken a few pills to help me reduce this what I know now is called “anxiety attacks”. This wonder pill also happens to promote sleep. It’s a mild tranquilizer that was prescribed by the doctor. I don’t take it religiously of course. I do not want to be dependent on it. I just want to regulate my sleeping habit. It does prove to be helpful. Although lately I haven’t taken them. Going back to my dilemma, I feel like I’m in a swirling mass of frustration, anxiety, and fear; riding in an emotional roller-coaster. In short, I’m in a quagmire. My thoughts are a mess. I have recently had a fall-out with a long-time “special friend”. Someone who had been gone for too long and has now expressed his desire to return. This person had greatly disappointed me more than any other person had in my lifetime. I had put him in a pedestal—almost worshipped him, only to learn that he is a mere mortal; not someone invincible like I thought he was. Clearly I was wrong. But he did have one thing; he had the power to hurt me—over and over again. He tried to make amends with me, for the disturbance he had caused me but somehow, our relationship—whatever it is—had ended on a bad note. Recent events in his life had proven he wasn’t the guy I used to know. This falling out have taken its toll on my emotional well-being. He had come back into my life at a time when I am also feeling down. My destination is somewhat undefined at the moment. Then he had to come back only to bring me more pain. Perhaps this is the reason why I feel betrayed. He had to take it up a notch, messing it all up all over again. But somehow, this emotional separation that I had established between us is just what I’m looking for--the right antidote to finally move on. Now I just don’t know how everything else will play out. I’m hoping to see some positive changes soon. Maybe a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?