looking ahead?

wow, it's been quite a while since I posted an entry here. I have been preoccupied with a lot of things. Mainly concerning my future. It's the third quarter of the year now and things have changed since my last post. I do not abhor the person or the intention anymore. I must have been too blind, stubborn and crazy to think it was a highway to hell. On the contrary, I think I'll be happy with this person. He has proven himself to be worthy of my attention-- and affection. But not all things have been ironed out just yet. We're taking things one step at a time. Baby steps. He knows what to expect. It's also dangerous and risky on my part. But I have been presented with a situation wherein I needed an option, a way out. It may not be the perfect plan, but it is a plan. I have to be realistic. I am not getting any younger, I can't afford to stay naive or idealistic. I have closed one looong chapter in my life. And I don't want another excruciating experience to happen again. It has been a painful journey so far but I got over it somehow. Of course there were times when I had wished it worked out the way I wanted to. That I could have swallowed my pride and start over. But I know that it's just not gonna be the same. I can never bring back the person I have loved and lost. It will never turn out the way I had imagined it to anyway. True, it's wistful and whimsical to be with the man of your dreams, but reality has to take precedence. and now, I'm taking another path to happiness. Career-wise, not so good. I still do not know what to expect in the future. I'm still at a loss on what to do with my career. But he already accepted me for what and who I am. The whole package. And I am grateful for that.

pandora's box

looks like stupidity is going to be the end of me. I have started something to which I do not know exactly how it's going to end-- or how to end it. It was a spur of the moment decision, or perhaps driven by the need to reach out and communicate-- forget everything and make things right? Or pretend whatever it was that drove me away did not happen. I had no intention of taking it to the next level. I might as well shoot myself in the leg. How do you explain this magnetic pull of attraction and repulsion? Am I playing a charade-- the same one that has brought an acquaintance to alienation and possibly banishment? Why am I doing this? It's like opening a can of worms. I have been in this road before, and yet here I am again, moving dangerously close. Will I ever learn? I do not share this person's sentiment, however sincere it might be. I do not want to endanger what I have right now. And yet...My wild imagination had probably preceded itself. So I find me contradicting my own self. I do not know where I stand or where I'm supposed to stand. To my chagrin, I am using an acquaintance's infamous declaration, "I want something new." But I certainly do not want any trappings of the emotional kind. I simply want it to be the way it was, before that insanity of a revelation which I didn't and still do not share. Perhaps I wanted a subsitute-- not a replica of the original thing. Certainly not. This does not even qualify as the same. Similar, but not the same. Well last night, I was suddenly possessed by the need to clarify things. The cynic in me came out in full force. I said things blatantly, convinced that my instincts were right. It was bingo, right on the mark. Caught in a tangle of lies and deceit and stupid role-playing games. A game that I thought wouldn't crossed over to reality tv. The lines became blurry. I was sorely disappointed. I believed what I have to believe, considering the person's nature-- not to mention personal knowledge of this person's character. My head wasn't full of cotton candy saccharine sweetness anymore. Like I said, I've been down the same road before. I am not going to make the same choice-- the wrong one. So now everything's quiet in the homefront. Maybe that is what I wanted in the first place. For this person to stop pestering me. Stop with the delusions. Get over it and move on. Get the hint.