dream

i woke up today from a very disturbing dream... the dream took me back to my childhood environment, particularly in the premises of my high school alma mater. I was all grown up like the present but I saw some old classmates still attending the school & wondering why they're still there. I saw an old friend who, as soon as she saw me, hugged me and wept like my very presence would somehow ease whatever burden she was suffering. Indeed, she looked disheveled, and it seemed like she was under a lot of pain. Then we sat on the steps and had a long talk... i was under the impression that she was under a spell of some sort, for her to remain in the same school we attended. As with all dreams, the sequence after that turned weird.

What strike me as odd was why would I dream of somebody who was clearly from my past and actually have no communication whatsoever eversince and yet now would manifest herself in my dream? What was the dream telling me? That I should go back to my past & explore whatever unfinished business I have? Come to think of it, I felt like I was placed there with a purpose. The purpose MAY BE to comfort an old friend who was in need-- to be literal about it, or to go back to my childhood and reclaim my forgotten innocence. Whatever the case, it left me feeling unsettled. The dream also made me realize how time flies. It seemed like my high school days was just yesterday. Was it really that long already? My classmates have long since been gone-- got married, had kids, migrated to another country, etc. Gosh, I haven't seen them in ages. I don't even know what they look like now, or whether they would still remember or recognize me if we were to meet.

I felt a pang when I realized that my high school days belonged in the past, and with that, my youth. I have lost my youth. And it made me sad. Gone were my carefree days. I can never go back... I am an adult now, working in the big bad city, carrying a lot of responsibilities. Maybe the dream was just there to tell me that my precious youth was over. That I should face life now head on and be done with it. That I should've treasured all the memories (or of what remained of it), and kept the friendships. Alas, all is lost. I would've wanted to know what happened to my friends & classmates. Are they leading meaningful lives? Are they fulfilled? Contented? Happy? Perhaps, the dream was a reminder that I should remain childlike-- unstained by the stink of the society. Or a reminder that I should fulfill my duties as an adult now. Let bygones be bygones.

holiday blues

it's christmas eve... this is my first time to spend the holidays confined in the office.. the past christmases I spent it at home. The entire country is busy attending to their families & loved ones. There's no use in going out anyway-- what with the mad holiday rush; the crowd, the traffic, the long queques... it takes you forever just to get to the mall! It's almost quiet here in the office, with just few people around. Maybe later it will get noisy. I heard there's free food tonight... I hope we have it early though. Call center agents have to deal with missing everything from home at this time. For me, I just want to hit the sack. I'd like to catch some zzzzs...

NOT AGAIN?!!

the future of DR is bleak... despite the numerous assurances by the higher ups, I can't help but wonder... when are they gonna tell us that DR will be dissolved? I mean, really! what's the real score here? There's a new satellite account but why do we always have to move to another location? It's exasperating! Grrrr...

falling in love...

falling in love is like a rollercoaster- it has its ups and downs, its highs and lows. But for the most part, it is the feeling of exhiliration that is most intoxicating. It's excruciating, it's bitter sweet. Like you're high on drugs-- when the feeling is over, you are hit with the reality-- with a thud! And you're landed in a heap, feeling sorry for yourself. And yet, why do people keep falling in love? How would you differentiate loving someone and falling in love with someone? Is there a difference between love and possession? Can you love someone without possessing them or can you possess someone without loving them?

multiple deaths

I have died a thousand times... and yet, like a cat with nine lives, I still have much to live. My early deaths had something to do with growing up-- developing a mind of my own, learning the ropes, accelerating in my academic life, then finally landing on my first job. I have survived all of it. There could be no other apt definition for the stages in life that one has to go through. The passage of time marks every event in your life. And these events are like mini-deaths. You go through the suffering, the pain, the disappointments, the remorse-- moreover, the loss of something you have recently discovered, something you thought can be yours forever and yet so fleeting enough for it to slip through your fingers, -- like a wisp of perfume captured in midair-- so painfully sweet and eloquent and yet evaporates in time, a music that ends on a bitter note, a beautiful dream that you wish will go on forever-- and yet you suddenly woke up --- reality hits you hard, telling you that not everything in life is tangible... Nothing is infinite. Only change is constant. Relationships come and go; every celebration of bonding has its parting ways... joy has its sweet sorrow. I have mourned my deaths, believe me-- clinging to it like the very idea itself will give me redemption-- a glimpse of my innocence, of the happy times. Yet every death signals a new rebirth... like a phoenix spreading its wings and welcoming the dawn of a new day. My recent death was painful enough that it might have been the cause of my private self's downfall. Emotions so strong that it shook the very life of me. It penetrated and crumbled all my defenses that it left me vulnerable and exposed. Suddenly my private world wasn't too private anymore. Yet the very cause of it was welcoming. The feeling was excruciatingly wonderful. You thought you're invincible. Suddenly, everything is right in your world, everything falls into place. It's all so clear. But it has met it's untimely demise. I should've known that the feeling will not last forever. It was childishly foolish of me to assume so. It was a blow-- and it hit me hard. It's a miracle I was able to survive. Back then, I thought there's no reason for me to go on anymore. No reason to hope, to dream, to trust. Yet it taught me to love myself more. It cured me from my ridiculous notion of everlasting love. I have learned that it's something that you take and experience in the present. It taught me not to obsess about the future. The future will come eventually. You can not rush it. So once again, I found myself standing in the threshold of a new chapter in my life. Whatever it brings, I will leave it to fate.

random thoughts on love & relationships...

... yet love is a scary thing; you lose yourself. suddenly you're no longer in control, you're too dependent on another person, you can't think for yourself. I'd hate to think of me not being in control... what is it about life anyway? when you were a kid, you yearn to be a grown up; you've badly wanted to be an adult so you can do things your own way-- no criticisms, no scoldings. Just freedom. You want to prove to the world that you can make it on your own. You fought so hard to have your own space, your own time, your own life. It's funny to think that when you're finally all grown up, you yearn for another human being to become your life partner, to share your happiness, your achievements, your frustrations. And yet when we do find the right person, suddenly you find yourself becoming dependent again. Then we become detached from our own feelings. All of a sudden, we feel alienated from the world. A world full of singles enjoying what life has to offer-- having the time of their lives. What happens is that you've become detached to the world you've come accustomed to. Suddenly you want to try new things; you start missing all those things you used to do when you were a kid; you seek the child in you, you want it back. If only you go back... you regret losing your innocence. If you could only suspend time... so many ifs... so many things to do, yet so little time.

love?

love is a concept conceived by man in order to feel good about himself...