growing pains

maturity & adulthood. is there a difference? what constitutes an adult? adults make mistakes, don't they? so if you're mature enough, if you make the wrong decision, the "adult" thing to do is to deal with it, right? otherwise, you still need a lot to develop, character-wise. maturity comes after you have learned the lesson from your mistakes. it's up to you if you commit the same mistakes again. but a lot of times we never learn, really. we commit the same mistakes over and over again even though you know you're supposed to get past them and move on. why is that? maybe because we already know what the outcome would be & hope we would have the chance to change it somehow in the hopes that it would result to a different outcome. or maybe, just maybe you're stuck in the moment and you might feel helpless to get out the situation. or worse, you would feel empty otherwise, deprived of the outcome you've been fervently wishing for. it's only when our heart gets bruised and battered that we eventually come to our senses and do something about it. strangely enough, no matter how hurt we get , we always seem to find the way to bounce back, no matter how difficult, no matter how hopeless. it's how the heart operates. humans seem to have something basic in their system that makes them heal naturally. perhaps divine intervention is involved eh? some cosmic force greater than ourselves working to our advantage. think about it...

sour pill

my mood just took a nosedive... instead of me writing about something relevant & worthy prior to this blog, it was a complete waste of space! all because of this neophyte! well, he's not gonna burst my bubble, hah!

bugger off!

i'm really getting irritated with this person! you try to be friendly and yet he just brush you aside like you're not worth his time! well guess what mister! you aren't worth a dime! what a social-climbing fake! believe me, I don't savor talking to you more than necessary!

you worthless faggot!

truth is stranger than fiction

do you know that the movement of the planets and the phases of the moon actually affects human behaviour? Surely, you know about the popularity of horoscopes and the like, but a lot of people don't know that a full moon can actually affect your well-being. True! I have read that for women particularly, their monthly cycles are somewhat affected depending on the lunar phase. Most people I know may not actually rely on horoscopes, much less believe in them (out of religious belief or otherwise), but it is a scientific fact which can not be ignored. Even from my experience (I used to work for a large real estate development firm), people who invest in the property market actually rely on astrology-- one way or another. I know a couple who waited for a full moon before they can move in to their new condo. Another client didn't wanna get a unit that's facing north. It's bad luck, they said. Most Chinese believe in a lot of things (e.g. feng shui, semi-precious stones, etc)-- it's a given fact. They don't make a rash decision until they have consulted an expert, or consulted the stars.

Why am I mentioning this? Because sometimes , people attribute their problem-slash-dilemma-slash-vexation to their physical environment, and not exactly by the forces of nature. They blame other people; they blame their boss, they blame their spouse, they blame the traffic, they even blame themselves. Sometimes you just got to realize that there are things which are beyond anybody's control -- but nature. Look at the tsunami disaster. The environment was already giving out signs a day before the disaster struck (the exodus of fish & other aquatic animals in the affected areas). Nowadays people are just damn too preoccupied & busy to see the signs. Or they choose to ignore them.

The relevance of this piece? Nothing, I just want to write about it. That's all.

sunday bloody sunday

i like going to work on a sunday... the streets of makati are almost deserted, you actually enjoy strolling. For the most part, there aren't a lot of people on the floor too, so it's not noisy & chaotic. No frenzy at all, as in totally nothing. It's a very relaxing atmosphere.

I like the peace and quiet of a sunday afternoon... *sigh*

promiscuous? Not!

I met a girl once who, for about a year, have managed to date a string of guys and sleep with them on first dates. They were her toyboys. She didn't care less. I was aghast when she confessed them to me, but I learned later on that she had her heart broken to a thousand pieces by this one guy-- The One. Apparently, she slept with those guys for 2 reasons: to forget about the love of her life; and to know if other guys can measure up to him. She was dead wrong.

There are valid reasons why a girl would sleep around. And not because she is a slut. There's always a reason behind such uncharacteristic behaviour. I, for one, understand my friend's predicament. I've had my heart broken too. Believe me, it's hard to let go. But there are things in life where you just have to accept your defeat, that you can't always get what you want. You just have to accept the fact that love and happiness can sometimes be elusive-- and out of reach.

Falling in love and having your heart broken happens all the time. It seems like we can never avoid this cycle. Somewhere in your life, you get rejected-- by a company you applied for, by a friend, even by your family. True, it takes awhile of getting used to, but you eventually survive. And you move on... learning to let go is pretty tough. You cling to the memory of your past, hoping that it will save you from total self-destruction. But you just gotta deal with it, learn it, and live it. Of course it's easier said than done, you just got to start somewhere... anywhere.

nescafe moment-- one good day comin' up

how glorious it is to go home with the sun still up!

shitty morning

i have issues-- and that, my friend, has been clear to me right from the start. The very thing that I (grudgingly) have to admit even to myself. And that is one of the reasons why we can't seem to see eye-to-eye about a lot of things... I realized that my inability and ineptness to handle certain aspects of a relationship makes me ill-equipped to be in a relationship in the first place. I guess I could've clued you in about whatever issues I have. But I have persevered-- and rather convinced myself that all of these are just part of being in a relationship. Therefore, it's normal. I don't claim to have expertise in relationships. I only abide by what I feel and think is right. The thing is, I wish you would be open-minded enough to understand and eventually accept all of me (deficiencies and all), the same thing that I am trying to do for you. I know I may act childish and immature sometimes. I have a stubborn streak, yes I very well admit that. I guess I was just used to handling everything myself, not depending on anyone. I hate it when everything doesn't go the way I expect them to be. I know, I know. I should've made it clear to you. I just hate admitting my faults, a thing that I am starting to realize is relatively important if I want to make this relationship work. I feel so shitty everytime we fight. It seems that I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. That way, we didn't have to fight. I never said it's easy to be me...

ho-hum

Just for the record: I have worked 7 straight days this week, non-stop. Looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend-- oops, rest day!

shifting gears

starting tomorrow i'll have a new work schedule, the result of a swap with a newbie. Finally, I'd be normal again...

say what?

I was attempting to read the book, The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren to give me some possible insights on life and maybe learn a lesson or two. I was just skimming the first chapter when I decided to put down the book. It was a disappointment. One look and I figured, this author is probably one of those bible-thumping kind. I'm afraid me & Rick Warren have totally different points of view.

Reading the first few lines from the book and I already disagree with him. Rick Warren mentions that to find the purpose of life, one should not look within himself. He said it's a wrong starting point. He says further that one must begin with God, since we were born by His purpose and for His purpose. Browsing through the other chapters, I found out that every tenet the author has is about God. How do you start? By turning to God. How do you cope? By turning to God, and so forth and so on. True in some sense maybe, but that's just the theological & philosophical way of seeing it. But how exactly do you start? What exactly do you do? One has to be realistic enough to tackle life's problems. Let's face it, prayer is not everything. To some it might help, but it's just the way of saying you can't do anything about it anymore since it's really up to God.

Ever remember the saying, "God helps those who help themselves"? Why don't people just start taking some actions & solving their problems by taking steps towards their goals instead of waiting for some kind of divine intervention? Prayer is tantamount to doing nothing, just waiting for a miracle of some sort. You will not be able to solve any dilemmas you have if you just wait for your prayers to be answered. I'm sure God doesn't want you to depend on Him all the time. You have to do your part. Don't get me wrong, I might be biased since I haven't really read the entire book but it usually turns me off whenever people start "preaching"-- for lack of a better word. The author sounded very self-righteous. That ticks me off. I'm sure I'm gonna piss off a lot of people here. I do not pretend to be wholly religious. I would rather be spiritual than religious. One doesn't have to attend mass or to say the Holy Rosary religiously to be called a true Christian.

For most people, this book might be heaven sent. This might be what they've been looking for. This book might have save them from total destruction. I'm sure a lot of people are inspired by this book, and to be fair, some lines in the book really makes sense. It's just that I find the approach outdated & old-fashioned. The author had total disregard on other self-help books, arguing that tenets in most of these books are wrong. Now, if one would look closely, I think this author is just promoting his book, encouraging people to buy it & just disregard the others. Hmmm... (kaching, kaching!)

My idea of searching for the meaning-- or purpose of life, for that matter is by turning exactly within ourselves. Exploring our wants & needs, analysing our fears, knowing our goals, dissecting the right approach to life. That sort of thing. One can not expect to be truly whole if one doesn't improve himself. How can you even think of spreading love or the word of God if you feel so rotten inside? Naturally, it has to start within your heart before you can face the world.

cumbersome

do you ever get that feeling that you are not in control of your life? of your destiny? That decisions you have made so far were actually decisions that was made in the spur of the moment, decisions that were dictated not by you but by others, or so it seems. That everything just happened so fast you don't have the time to dwell on it? Well, I've been wondering the same thing today. It seemed like every moment, every aspect of my waking life passes by and I just go through them blindly, willingly. And I couldn't stop it. Am I a willing participant? I really don't know. I have just realized that time is passing by and I havent accomplished anything fulfilling or worthwhile even. I wanted to do a lot of things in my life, before even considering settling down. You know, I never liked the phrase "settling down". It sounds like you have given up on everything and you just wanna settle for something -- anything since you probably given up on finding your own happiness. Or worse, there's nothing else to do. Maybe it's just the cynical side of me talking. Nevertheless, do you ever find yourself questioning your self-worth? your capabilities? your fears? It just hit me: I have fallen into a routine, I have found myself stuck in a rut once again. Great. I am trying to dissect exactly how this came to be. When did it happen? and why? It seemed like it just crept up on me once again, the reason of which I am openly afraid to discuss or to explore. Shoot. The one thing I hate the most is being stuck-- and being clueless about it. I seriously hope this will evaporate soon to save me from troublesome thoughts. Maybe it's just another phase. I have certain misgivings though. Hopefully, this too, shall pass. Oh well, welcome to my world.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if
you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it's not pretty, everyday,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or
how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up,
after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside,
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


-Oriah Mountain Dreamer