split-second

something major has to happen next year. I can almost feel it. The clock is ticking in my head-- and my patience is wearing dangerously thin. My present abode is really giving me migraines--something of the perpetual kind. I had to block out the noise, the oh-so-pretentious, bragging kind. Really can't stand it any longer. Day in and day out I had to listen to them freaks, falling over themselves creating this fantastic bullshit of a story that only exists in their stupid heads..losers. Any hopes of a career change just had to take a backseat for a while. After all, I had gained new friends in the office and I wouldn't wanna mess that up. I am slowly gaining ground in the career department--although there are still too many wishful-thinkings. But that's obliterated at the moment by the sheer force of my desire to bolt from the pit. It's like I can hear them screaming in my head all the time that I have this irrisistable urge to slap them hard. It's like a nightmare that keeps repeating itself, with no end in sight. I need to get away from them fast. Have to get away before I go bonkers.

bitches and cream

Labels—we never seem to get enough of it. We label things and people like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Labeling has become the habit of most people these days. It’s supposed to make life more interesting. For what is life without its ups and downs, its little surprises? There is no utopia—it’s practically non-existent, not in this present world anyway. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so they say. We deal with what we can in our own way. The outcome will be the result of our actions whether we like it or not. And that’s karma for you.

I myself am not immune to labels. I must admit, I am guilty of it—in some level. But what is a bitch? Generally, people have a negative perception of women who fall under this category. For me, there are 2 types of bitches : a) the one who makes everyone’s life a living hell just for the heck of it (it follows that this person has issues of her own), and b) my favorite, the one who pursues what she wants, regardless of the obstacles that she has to face. Personality-wise, I prefer being the latter, it has a certain edge to it. A bitch is a tough chick, a woman who knows what she wants—and usually gets it.

Most people perceive that when a girl is too aggressive for her own good whether in her present job or in her pursuit of personal happiness, she is labeled a bitch. But hey, maybe one has to be a bitch in order to gain the respect of your superiors, to climb the corporate ladder, at the same time, attain one’s goals, especially in this male-dominated society where almost everything has to be done or decided upon by our male colleagues, etc. In a patriarchal society like ours, a woman has to be assertive in some level. Otherwise, her work never gets noticed, credit is never given to her. Instead, she’s just relegated to the sidelines. Politics usually gets in the way, too. A bitch takes charge of her life, is confident about herself, not afraid to speak her mind and knows how to juggle her career and family life—a balancing act which requires dedication and a lot of guts.

Being a bitch is about taking risks, facing your fears, and making the most of what you have. It is not just being aggressive, it’s also being a role model to your peers, very much au fait about what’s happening around you. It’s about being involved with things that really matter and being aware of one’s sense of worth. But of course, there is no such thing as a perfect woman. We’re not superheroes with superpowers. We deal with our own pain, we suffer like every other human being, we get hurt one too many times. Yet, we go on with our lives, we learn from our mistakes and hope we never fall into the same mistake again. A bitch has to have a heart, too, you know. As one song goes, ‘a heart that hurts is a heart that works’. I also bitch about everything, when things aren’t going well in my life—or when I don’t expect them to happen. A knee-jerk reaction perhaps. The point is, you don’t dwell on them too much—otherwise, it will just make you feel miserable. You have to move on because life is not going to wait around for you. You just learn to be stronger, be a better person. Of course, a bitch could also be a girl sometimes; she’s not afraid to show her femininity. She giggles, she gushes about the latest fashion trends, she wears make-up, worries about zits on her face and drools over some hunk—even if he’s a jerk. She goes out with her girl friends and has fun. She’s passionate about what she does and is in touch with her feelings. She loves sunsets, rainbows and bubble baths. She appreciates nature. So what makes a bitch? All of the above!

musings (Sep-8-09)

I feel like I’m about to succumb to another bout of baby blues. That feeling of being stuck in the rut is beginning to creep its way back into my consciousness. I know it’s just a matter of time before it’s going to show its ugly face again. I had this very important interview last Friday—or should I say early morning of Saturday, just before I ended my shift. It was all so very sudden—without a warning. I wasn’t prepared to do an interview that day, especially when my shift was about to end. Nevertheless, given the circumstances, I gave it my best shot. I admit, I could’ve done better but… anyways, I do not want to raise my hopes up, considering a lot of qualified people have also sent in their applications. Next week they would announce the results. Only one name would be picked. After this, I don’t know what I’ll do, or where I’ll be. I have a backup plan but even that I’m not entirely sure it’s going to push through. I have been bypassed so many times that I think I’ve gotten used to it. Perhaps I allowed myself to be trampled on by people? Perhaps, I didn’t play my cards right. It would probably shock me if I was chosen. Thing is, I’m not even sure I want it anymore. I mean, sure I want to move up but perhaps it would be in another company, doing an entirely different thing. That’s how I imagine it anyway. I don’t even know if I have it in me. My circle of influence does not stretch out that very far. Would people follow my lead? Will they respect me? Will they eventually trust me? All I wanted was to grow professionally, make my mark somehow. I don’t know if I will ever get that chance, a chance to prove my worth. Is it too late? Or is this it for me?

not quite there yet

I’m in a constant search for greatness. For as long as I could remember, I have searched this elusive quality with every person that I meet. Rarely do I find this greatness in people. And I’m not referring to material affluence or power—political or otherwise. There was a time when I thought I had a glimpse of this greatness in one or two people that I have met-- only to be sorely disappointed. Perhaps I put them in such high esteem, belatedly realizing they’re also human, with human faults. I had this epiphany recently that I cannot hold back people close to me. I cannot force them to stay with me, take the same course or choose the same path. I realized that every chance, every meeting have its own purpose. Perhaps, my purpose had ended with them, which is why we part ways. And when we meet again over time, it isn’t the same. Thoughts and feelings no longer go back to that magical time in the beginning, when you thought that one person could do wonders, could change your entire outlook in life, could influence others. Maybe every person has their own definition of greatness. Maybe the very definition of greatness changes as we grow old, or as we acquire new experiences. Yes, perhaps I was destined to meet them for a single purpose: to teach me a lesson. A lesson that one must learn once the purpose had manifested itself. Then you learn to let go. You no longer feel pain and despair at the thought of losing them. You set them free. You let them fulfill their own destiny. Letting go is the hardest part. Sometimes, we don’t get over it at all. Yet time can change your mind set. Experience makes us see things in a different light. Perhaps it is just a matter of having the right attitude. But how can one achieve greatness? Is it inborn? Is it learned? Or is it just a feeling of awareness? Of being selfless, passionate and bold? Perhaps it is a gift that only a very select few are endowed with. In the meantime, I’m still desperately looking for it… not wanting to give up. Hopefully one day I will write about finding it…hope floats somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart.

the unbearable state of being

I haven’t written an entry to this blog for several months now. So many things have transpired that simply took my fixation away from it. I have been meaning to write down my thoughts but it seemed the moments don’t come at the right time—or the right place. It is such an inconvenience when you don’t bring a laptop with you everyday to write down your thoughts. Leading up to this sad event of mourning for a great woman in yellow, I had been battling my own personal demons. The changes that occurred in my career had wrecked havoc upon my state of being—mostly in my sleeping habits. It isn’t just about going to bed and waking up at the right time to get to work, although time and gravity had taken a hold of it. It has gone beyond that. I now find myself in a bit of a pickle over a lot of things. Career-wise, I’m stagnant. The working environment was no longer the same. I now wonder where my enthusiasm went. I no longer look forward to coming to work. Instead, I dreaded it. I dreaded doing the same routine over and over again. The people I admire at work were all long gone. The few friends that remained have taken their own paths. This mixed feeling of depression and dread had become apparent so much so that I have difficulty sleeping. My mind refuses to shut down when I want it to. And when I want it to be working properly, it simply would draw blank. I have taken a few pills to help me reduce this what I know now is called “anxiety attacks”. This wonder pill also happens to promote sleep. It’s a mild tranquilizer that was prescribed by the doctor. I don’t take it religiously of course. I do not want to be dependent on it. I just want to regulate my sleeping habit. It does prove to be helpful. Although lately I haven’t taken them. Going back to my dilemma, I feel like I’m in a swirling mass of frustration, anxiety, and fear; riding in an emotional roller-coaster. In short, I’m in a quagmire. My thoughts are a mess. I have recently had a fall-out with a long-time “special friend”. Someone who had been gone for too long and has now expressed his desire to return. This person had greatly disappointed me more than any other person had in my lifetime. I had put him in a pedestal—almost worshipped him, only to learn that he is a mere mortal; not someone invincible like I thought he was. Clearly I was wrong. But he did have one thing; he had the power to hurt me—over and over again. He tried to make amends with me, for the disturbance he had caused me but somehow, our relationship—whatever it is—had ended on a bad note. Recent events in his life had proven he wasn’t the guy I used to know. This falling out have taken its toll on my emotional well-being. He had come back into my life at a time when I am also feeling down. My destination is somewhat undefined at the moment. Then he had to come back only to bring me more pain. Perhaps this is the reason why I feel betrayed. He had to take it up a notch, messing it all up all over again. But somehow, this emotional separation that I had established between us is just what I’m looking for--the right antidote to finally move on. Now I just don’t know how everything else will play out. I’m hoping to see some positive changes soon. Maybe a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

departure for flight A/X

I never thought I'd live to see the day that my account would be dissolved-- and in such haste. True, there has been musings here and there but I guess everybody just brushed it aside, thinking it would never happen. After all, this account has been in existence for as long as I could remember. How unfortunate that this would happen. A sad fact that I'm still digesting bit by bit. I'm unhappy about this sudden turn of events but what can we do? It's beyond our control. Then again, maybe this is all for the best--a change for the better? I hate goodbyes. I'm terrible at it. And I don't want any drama, so..... xoxo

i hate tuesdays

unseen forces seem to conspire against me on this particular day. Everything goes berserk. If it's not raining on my way to work, then traffic would be at a stand still. Then of course, the bus I happen to ride on seems to think it's a field trip-- not a rush hour. The driver would stop at every corner scouting for passengers. I get to the floor and I'm greeted with the buzzing noise of the floor, full to the brim with talking heads. On this particular day, it's hot-seating so I have to look for an available seat. By the time I sat down, I will only have 3 to 5 minutes to spare to set up my workstation. By this time, I feel like walking out and going back home to the comforts of my bed. Since I only have a few minutes to spare, I will not be able to read any updates in the mail. This is my normal routine, actually. I have to read any updates before I log in so that I could relay the correct info to the customers. The worst part is? I always get loooooong calls on a Tuesday. And not just long calls-- complicated ones. I hate it.

like a mantra

I do not subscribe to mediocrity. I refuse to accept the status quo. I do not want to belong nor be identified with any group. I am myself. I am a conundrum of ideas, of trajectories, of wistful imaginations and contradictories. I do not subject myself to the inane and ordinary. I am not some random girl with seemingly random thoughts. I may have my own prejudices and biases but this is me. I exist. Therefore, I am.