even cowgirls get the blues

on my way to the office this morning, I was thinking about my former male best friend. I was saddened about the fact that we are no longer together, we don't even talk now. We went our separate ways. It's been more than a year now since I've last spoken with the guy. You read about male & female friendship transcending into a romantic relationship.This is one of the few cases of a platonic girl-boy relationship which didn't develop that way. The friendship didn't even withstand the test of time. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, to disappear from his life entirely. I don't know if he ever knew the reason behind my disappearance. I guess I'll never know if he felt the same way too, that we had to part ways. I wonder sometimes if he tried contacting me in some way. I wondered if he has thought about me at all or what have become of me.

You see, the situation had something to do with the fact that one of us (him actually) wasn't exactly honest towards the other. The friendship as far as I was concerned, was going smoothly. Until that fateful day when he suddenly blurted the "L" word. I would never forget that day. It was like our whole relationship was turned upside down. I was flabbergasted! The friend whom I thought I knew well wasn't forthcoming about his feelings. I felt like I was duped in a way. The entire time that we were friends he never even gave a hint about what he felt. All the while I thought he finally found the girl he wanted to marry, which was nearly the case. This other girl was set to marry him in a few months time and there he was confessing something so totally absurd! How was I suppose to react? Be flattered? Well, I wasn't. His engagement was called off eventually-- turned out his fiancee also fell in love with a colleague during the course of their engagement.

The thing was, I couldn't imagine him and me being romantically involved. For me he was a friend who'll always be around for me, almost a brother. I asked him if we could just remain friends but he told me he couldn't deal with merely being friends anymore. That's why he had to come out and confess his feelings for me. But since I didn't feel the same way, he just opted to go away for awhile instead. It would do him good, he said. So I let him be.

After that, we never get to the point of going back to normal again. I knew it will never be the same again. There was an unspoken awkwardness between us. We never discussed what happened again. It was like, we were avoiding the topic. There was only one time when I mustered enough courage to bring it up one last time. Up to now, I couldn't fathom why he felt that way about me, or why he never told me about it during the early stage of our friendship. It could've saved us a lot of trouble-- and embarrassment. But he refused to talk about it anymore, he said it was too painful for him to even mention about it.

A few months after that incident, after his respite abroad, he told me that he was almost over me. But I was doubtful. I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth then. Maybe he just lied so that I won't feel sorry for him. That was the last time we spoke to each other. I heard he eventually married someone and had a baby. Sometimes I was tempted to pick up the phone and call him. But I never did. It was better that way. I didn't want to intrude or interfere in his life anymore. But I missed the friendship...