the fight club

I always maintain a proper decorum that one should not disclose or divulge your dirty laundry in public. Not only is it embarrassing but also crass. But I'm afraid this would be the very first time I would do so, since I am currently seething with anger. Let this blog serve as an outlet. Yes, the reason of this misbehaviour has something to do with my current squeeze. We had a fight a few nights ago, and I think we're having it again today. For the same reason. I usually am a patient person, but there are times when I am also pushed to the limit. That's when I fight back--especially if I know i am armed with facts, that I am telling the truth. That I have nothing to hide. It's only natural to defend myself--especially when I know I have done nothing wrong. I always believe that one could avoid confrontations if one is rational enough to discuss the problem in a civil and polite manner. I want to avoid clashes if I have to. I'd rather keep quiet for a while then left to my own devices to sort things out for myself. Give me an hour then I would surely simmer down. Then we can talk. properly. Problem is, my kind of thinking usually gets me into trouble with my significant other. I have a very liberal mind, I admit. I have radical ideas about a lot of things. I explore a lot. I have a mind of my own. I decide for myself, if necessity calls for it. I settle what needs to be settled. I handle it on my own. I have grown accustomed to living independently. My boyfriend is a product of the old school. Conservative. Old-fashioned. Accepting only the norms. Concern about what the society will think of him or his actions for that matter. I am exactly the opposite. They say opposites attract. In my case, it doesn't work. What happens is that my idealisms get the better of me. My entire outlook gets compromised. Instead of moving forward, I have to take a step backward. Just to accomodate him and what he thinks or feels. That drives me insane!

taking a sabbatical

i'm in an altered state of consciousness right now, which means my mind is currently at a loss and don't know how to go about writing a simple blog. All you can hear are static sounds... time to sign off for a while...

fountain of youth

in a couple of hours I would be celebrating my birthday... People say that there are 2 things that you should never ask a lady: her virginity & her age. For me, I have stopped counting when I turned 25. In this youth-obsessed society, it would seem cruel to remember that one is getting old. Therefore, I'd rather forget about adding another year to my age. I have already received a couple of well-wishers-- even from a former high school classmate! Once again, I dare ask myself-- what did I accomplish so far? Have I contributed anything to the society, to the rest of the humanity? To others, these questions might seem lofty or ambitious, it might even elicit snickers & odd looks. But to an Aquarian, it's a natural thing to ponder about one's achievements-- or lack thereof. Like most people, I dread growing old. I don't know why. Maybe because our present society dwells mostly on youth. To them, when you hit the big 3-0, you're already a has-been. Nobody would want you. You had your prime. On the contrary, I do admire people who reaches a certain level of maturity when they reach a specific age. Besides, you cannot measure a person's character thru his age. I have a friend who had no qualms of being 39. He was comfortable growing old. I wish I could be like that. Maybe someday I would be able to embrace my maturity? Or maybe I'm just young at heart...

who? me?

seriously, who would have thought I would work in a call center? I have regarded call centers as dead-end jobs. Not really a serious profession. But I was dead wrong. It was the corporate world who finally broke the camel's back for me, so to speak. After successive years of working in a corporate environment, it was a welcome change to finally go to work in comfy jeans & flip flops! Although I missed dressing up corporate-style... As spoken by a friend who had the same experience, I have had enough of the corporate bullshit (bureaucracy, red tape, favoritism, etc.). After working my butt off and aspiring to climb the corporate ladder, I was never given the chance to prove myself-- meaning, I was promised of a promotion I never got. It's the same old story actually. It didn't help that the management sucks. I had serious issues about the way the management was running the company-- at least, in terms of internal operations. Can you imagine an HR head hiring a brainless bimbo as receptionist then promoting her to Purchasing Manager in less than 2 years? Well, I had the last laugh because after leaving that office, I have learned that same HR guy was booted out for amassing almost half a million of funds. Don't get me wrong, I made friends there too. It's just the working environment that made me leave. Now, I also made friends here in my present work. In fact, I am enjoying their company. If it wasn't for them, I would've seriously considered going back to the corporate world. Sure, we have ups & downs, who doesn't anyway?

emotional

last night when I got home from work, I cried for no reason at all. I was feeling down in the dumps. I dunno, maybe I was just being emotional. Sometimes crying is an outlet to release tension and stress . Maybe I just felt stressed and distressed the past couple of weeks... I once had a work colleague who was having a hard week and by Friday, after calling it a day, she just burst into tears. At first, we thought she made a big booboo in the office. I thought then she was crying because she remembered her ex-boyfriend. When she calmed down and was a bit pacified, she did confess that she just had to cry to release all the tension she felt for the whole week. We sighed our relief. It was indeed a very stressful week for all of us. Come to think of it, it's actually good to let it all out. It makes you feel better... I felt better last night after giving a good cry.

the tao of blogging

blogging is the new pasttime of many people. Blogging is fun. Blogging forces you to think. Blogging lets you say whatever you want to say. Blogging creates friendship. Blogging can make or break you. Blogging is the hottest thing in PS. Blogging is what you do during downtime in the office. Blogging is sharing your thoughts. Blogging is similar to having a diary or a journal-- only it's for public consumption. Blogging is the result of boredom. Blogging has a domino effect. Blogging is a lifestyle. Blogging is a new way of getting to know your friends/colleagues. Blogging makes you popular. Blogging releases tension. Blogging is stress-free. Blogging makes you feel good. Blogging is a way of life...

moving out

once again, DR is moving out of Exportbank building to return to JG Summit. It wasn't really surprising, I mean, didn't I just predicted about its possibility not so many months ago? It's terrible that they subject us to this kind of nomadic tendencies! We're not exactly privy to management's decisions so we really don't know what's happening. It's only a few days ago that they told us the account will be expanding. And here I was thinking the possible demise of the account! The lesson here is: don't be too comfortable in one place because sooner or later, we're going to move again-- to where, I don't know yet! *SIGH*

better be alone than badly accompanied

this girl I know had given up on love. Her recent tumultous relationship with a guy had led her to become jaded. Unfeeling. Detached. It had left her feeling so damn isolated. Confused. Unsure of herself. Not knowing where to go, or how to go on. It has resulted on sleepless nights-- countless hours of self-analysis, of feelings of doubt. Guilt has been prominent in her mind. Did she do the right thing, turning her back? Did she regret it? Will she get over it? Haven't she learned from past mistakes? Or is she haunted by the ghost from her past? The relationship has left her drained, devoid of any feeling. It felt empty. She felt empty. There is a void inside her now. She felt like spinning endlessly, falling helplessly into a bottomless pit. So dark, so constricting. Salvation was nowhere in sight. Somehow, there is comfort in being alone. She needed time. She needed freedom. She has learned that love has its own price. And she paid for it dearly. She was utterly lost in her own world, lost in perfect togetherness. Yet, the world didn't stand still. Time went by without her. She was forgotten. Maybe it was her choice. But in the end, she had lost herself, her identity. Most of all, she had lost her love.

Tell me, is it right to give up on love?

death by chocolate

(here's one of the first of the series of mini-stories that I have to share...)

one day, this girl I know had decided to drown herself in sorrow by overfeeding on chocolates. She had had enough. It hasn't been the same way for her. She was doing alright before this shit happened. She thought everything was going smoothly-- exactly as planned. Yet, she was unprepared for this. Suddenly, everything became shitty. Her work is shitty. Her friends are shitty, her boyfriend is shitty. Her life has turned shitty! It seemed everything is going downhill for her. She was an unwilling participant to this episode, this drama. Call it a game even. This couldn't be right. She never dreamed of becoming a victim to such excruciating emotions. It was almost an agony. Ever the cautious girl, she grew up thinking she's immune to disappointments. To failure. To pain. What good is pain anyway? Does it solve anything? Will it change things? What is there to look forward to? Yet, unmistakably it happened to her. She couldn't stand it any longer. It's impossible! It's not right. It doesn't feel right! The taste of chocolate would make her forget her woes. Besides, it wouldn't cause her pain. But what was she thinking? That chocolate can somehow redeem her from sorrow? Will it bring happiness back into her life?

Nothing tastes better than chocolate... you be the judge.

becoming undone

there are things in life that you cannot undo, no matter how you wished it to be. That's a fact of life; you can only regret doing it (or not doing it). The truth of the matter is, one cannot go back to the same situation and expect the same result. The hardest part is trying your best to change a person when you know from the start that it will not work. I don't believe in trying to change a person into the mold that you think fits him/her best. Or worse, trying to mold him/her according to your standards. I alone don't believe in standards. I don't like putting people under categories and subjecting them to cruel (clinical?) scrutiny. How can you possibly like a person if you try to change the very things that attracted you in the first place? Do you like the person because you can change him/her? Or you like him/her just the way he/she is? I would rather belong to the latter. I would not stand to being just a regular walking and talking barbie doll with no brains. And no, I will not become just a sheep among the flock. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can just remain regular Tom, Dick and Harry. But not me. I may not look like it but I would rather stand out than belong to the mediocre. If I want to change any aspect about my life or my personality for that matter, I'm the only authority to do that, nobody else. If you appreciate what and who I am, then well and good. If you don't, it's okay. Life goes on. Wallowing in self-pity will not get you anywhere anyway. But of course, one can expect to grow along the way. You learn from your mistakes and move on. You try to become a better person. You learn new skills, you discover new talents. You outgrow things; like your habit of sleeping with a teddy bear as a security blanket, your fascination with cartoons, your obsession with Hello Kitty, your fetish for sweets, etc. You even outgrow your friends-- whether you met them during your childhood or during your high school days. It's very rare that you meet a person and you want that person to remain in your life for eternity. If you do find that person, then you must be the luckiest person on earth. So go ahead and cherish it, cherish the friendship, because you will not find that kind of person in your lifetime ever again. If you lose that person, it will be a tragedy.

adventure

I have written here before about the places I'm dying to go to. Let me just make it clear that there's nothing wrong in dreaming to go to the US, Australia, UK, Canada or any other well-known places. For me, you can always go there, if the situation calls for it (work, studies, visit relatives, etc.). The list that I made were just the places I wanna visit-- to immerse myself in culture apart from my own-- and savor it. I wanna call it an adventure. You know what they say; learning about other cultures makes you a well-rounded person. I have known people who will talk non-stop about their numerous trips to New York, London, Paris, Milan & even Hongkong or any other fashionable places. True, it is very cosmopolitan to be in these places. The thing is, most of the time, people talk about the things they bought from these places ( the latest Louis Vuitton bag, the hottest pair of Manolo Blahniks, the coolest dress from Roberto Cavalli or the must-have top from the Houses of Gucci, Dior or what-have-yous). Not that I'm sour-graping or anything like that, but I wish people will talk more about their REAL experiences. Believe me, if I have a lot of moolah at my own disposal, I'll probably brag about those finds too! I love fashion, don't get me wrong; but I'm also practical. Besides, I can't afford designer outfits, he he. I have yet to meet a person who would actually describe the sunset in Morocco, recount the dangers of an African safari, describe the busy streets of India, or recall the extremely hot desert of Egypt, or the latest architectural find in some obscure part of Greece, not even the spectacular view of the wide open space somewhere in the Himalayas. I have yet to meet a person who would actually tell me that they've been to Nepal, Africa or even Timbuktu! Mind you, Timbuktu is a real place!

good day

i saw my crush today; he waved and said hi when he saw me. I haven't seen him in a long time. It made me smile when I saw him. That made my day...

disturbing dream

... once again I woke up from a disturbing dream today. It was some kind of an allegory that for the most part, made me realize that I should value the people around me, no matter what tribulations I have encountered, no matter how many storms I have faced. I realized that these very people are there for me even though we have some rough times. It also made me see that one should not be afraid of expressing your feelings to your loved ones. Tomorrow might be too late. One should appreciate the good things these people do for you. In the end, goodness will triumph...

places

Dream Places I Wanna Go To: (not necessarily in order)

1) Egypt (for its history & culture)

2) India (for its culture)

3) Greece (for its mythology)

4) Venice (for its architecture)

5) Tibet (for its monks)

6) Morocco (for its architecture)

7) Prague (for its nice scenery)

8) Russia (for its history)

9) France (for its history, Louis XIV furniture, architecture & fashion)

10) Tunisia (because it's not well-known)

11) Spain (for its history, architecture & language)

12) Turkey (for its history-- where you can find the ancient city of Troy)

13) Havana (for its culture)

14) Monaco (for the Royals)