going mental

i worry that my time has already passed me by... i worry that there are a lot of newbies in the world out there clawing their way up the corporate ladder; hungry for success, for conquests, for big breaks that was never thrown my way. Or opportunities and offers that I never risk taking. This may sound an exaggeration, maybe it is.

It pains me to know that my carefree days are nearly over. Gone was the girl who sees things in rose-colored glasses, who brightens up whenever she has novel ideas, who writes & argues passionately, who has eternal hope for the humankind, who was in contradiction with a lot of things, with society and even herself, who was at odds with the rest of the world.

I was so looking forward to growing up and getting what I want that I just might have missed the glory days of youth. Perhaps I grew up too fast-- emotionally. I live with my own tenets and principles & ideas and arguments and what-have-yous. When I was younger, I balk at the mere idea of following orders from authority (actually I still do that sometimes). I didn't like joining the majority. I strive to be different from everyone else.

I always believe that life shouldn't be taken too seriously. Your brains will just fall out on you if you do so. Now I worry that my brain size has shrunk to a mere pea size and is ready to give out. I worry that my ubiquitous charm is starting to lose its magic, that I just might lose an audience instead of dazzle them with my biting wit. Since when did I became so serious with life? Since when the hell did I care about what other people think? Or care about what do they have to say for that matter? Did I lose my spark? Did I miss a step? Did I skip a beat? Did I lose my balance?

Maybe the vertigo experience has finally caught up with me. Trust me, I was there when my world suddenly started spinning around me (literally & figuratively), I was actually scared of falling down at that time. How was it that someone who wasn't actually living the fast lane (translation: smoking, bingeing, endless partying) ended up in vertigo land? I never tried smoking, I don't drink much, and I am certainly no party animal. I just enjoy hanging out with friends & colleagues. I go out occasionally. But still, it didn't stop the dark forces in getting their grip on me, pulling me back to the dark recesses of the underworld and the underdogs.

The horrific thing that could happen is to find myself landing amongst the bleak presence of mediocrity and its utterly boring inhabitants. And it ain't easy to belong to these maddening crowd. Sooner or later i would become an annoyance, I would be so wrapped up about the mundane things, silly things, inconsequential things, superficial things... The utter insignificance... I worry alright. So what gives?