been having insomniac days lately, feel like a walking zombie these days. Work is getting stressful this month due to the volume... have not been able to think straight, nothing else to say. . . signing out

*yawn

wake me up when this whole thing blows over. . .

The Sound of One Heart Breaking

by: Karen Kunawicz

What is the sound of a heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a

tiny ball crying softly in the night,

the sound of the first unwanted teardrop

touching your skin, it's the sound of

a telephone that doesn't ring,

the sound of regret

pounding inside your brain

with every heartbeat,

it's the whispers

of the toy animals he gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet

walking away from you,

the sound of your soul shattering

into a million pieces

at recognizing the word "goodbye,"

it’s the soundtrack of memories

torturing you, it's the sound of

feeble hands trying to push back

the obstinate hands of time,

it's the sound of a cherub's

dying breath, the sound of

all those years disappearing

in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink,

it's the unrelenting plaintive

baby meows of an abandoned kitten

outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain

that doesn't ever stop,

the sound of all the doors

shutting and closing in your face

at the same time, of raging,

howling storms in the night

when there's no one there to hold you,

the sound of your voice

as it screams back at you,

the echo of "I love yous"

burning holes in you,

the sound your heart makes

as it tells you to lie still

because nothing you will ever do

will matter without love.

The sound of the waves

of the polluted beach you went to

as it moves from the shore

and crashes inside your mind,

of the sniffles that make up your pathetic

"SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the

brittle black-red petals

from the sidewalk vendor

roses he gave, the sound of the music

he used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room

being thrown around

and landing on the floor,

the caress of kitchen knives on skin,

the sound your throat makes

as you swallow your saltiest tear.

It's the sound of your own voice

calling out to someone who isn't there,

of dying birds getting splattered

on a city pavement, of terms of endearment

used a hundred times a day

struggling to crawl into a

vacuum of forgetfulness,

it's the sound of your own sobs

keeping you company,

it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air

you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy

as bombs exploding.

Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes

are as quiet as a feather

falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.

No one else can really hear

your heart breaking except you.

wide awake

I am suffering from insomnia for two consecutive days now. I would go to bed at my usual hour, 11pm and then just lie there, waiting for the sandman to do his trick. Then nothing. My mind refused to shut down. I would toss and turn listlessly. Jumbled thoughts would still swirl around in my head. In one corner of my alert mind, music would suddenly invade my consciousness. Sometimes an idea would come to mind, only to be shifted to another train of thought, and so it would go on for hours. By 3am, I'm already singing in my head, triggered by my last song syndrome. I mean, I could try drinking a glass of hot milk to help me relax and get to sleep but nights are (un)usually hot this time of year. By 5am, i would decide to get up and have an early breakfast (hot pandesal + hot choco). I would find myself drowsy and yawning around 7:30am, then that's the only time I could finally fall asleep. Then again, I won't still have a fitful sleep because the whole neighborhood is waking up already. The noise of the day would filter through my mind again, added to that is the never-ending sound of airplanes taking off in the distance, and that usually happens every hour of the day. It only gets quiet by 9pm. By then, the nearby airport would be closed already. The alarm would go off at 11:30am so I have to get up and prepare for lunch, afterwhich I would take off for work. This morning, around 10am, I woke up with a start and almost panicked. The reason? I could hear the strains of an old song wafting through the neighbor's window. I actually asked myself if it was the 1940s since I was hearing an old song, if I was suddenly transported back to that bygone era. Then it hit me, the neighbor was watching an old disney cartoon. That was a relief! For a moment there I thought I was living in Nazi Germany. I didn't have anything for lunch earlier. I feel like I'm still in a trance, currently caught between the dreamworld and my waking life. Naturally, I have to force myself to stay awake the whole time in the office. Maybe I had a bad case of too much caffeine (or toxic?) in my system ~ i really don't know. . .

batteries not included

i have absolutely nothing significant or relevant to write since my life had been uneventful as of late. I mean, I kept waiting for something major to happen to me or even to witness a particularly interesting event/incident which would merit an entry in this blog. One would think my mind has finally gone bonkers. Maybe that is the case. That or I have nothing else to say really-- unless you want me talk nonsense like noticing for the first time while typing this entry that I haven't gotten to clipping my nails lately. Or my plan to visit the salon and have my hair done and perhaps get a facial or something, or my procrastination to set an appointment with the dentist (which reminds me, I need to get it done already). The only preoccupation I have that I could think of is when am I gonna get the next pay. Other than that, nothing as in nada. Kaput. I guess I can say that my life is kinda smooth-sailing right now ~ no turbulence to disrupt me, no earth-shattering discoveries that would wake me up from my drunken stupor-- I mean, present state of mind, no brilliant ideas, no experiments and certainly no 'prophetic' blabberings. You might wonder, perhaps this girl's mind is full of cobwebs (full of shit?) ~ or it's just rusty. Nevertheless, no one would be able to pick my brains and do mind games with me. I hate mind games anyway. Life is full of riddles already, I'd be happy to steer clear of them. Wouldn't you agree? (tie down!)

and the world makes sense again...

. . . thanks to jessica zafra's blog (see link below, left corner among other links), blogging will never be the same again. I have been an admirer of this guru of irony for as long as I could remember. Finally, I could have my usual dose of insanity!

night falls

it's always nice to step out of the office for awhile when you're working at night, especially at this hour and at this time of year. The air for once is cool, the ambiance so laid back, and you just feel a sense of nostalgia. Since tonight is practically all saint's day eve, the streets of makati are almost deserted. No rush hour traffic, no noise barrage from vehicles and no maddening crowd. I just wish it'll be like this the rest of the year. I am almost tempted to take a walk along the stretch of ayala avenue. From point A to point B, and back. Wishful thinking. SIGH! Then again, I am now back in my workstation sipping a cup of green tea. It's not raining outside, thank god! It was humid all throughout the day.

I wish I could find a nook right now and just enjoy the sights and sounds of makati (well-lited streets and skyscrapers), and allow my mind to wander. I can't exactly say enjoy the vast open space simply because there aren't ~ not in this side of the metropolis anyway. Makati (ayala avenue, mostly) used to be emblazoned with lights during the holidays. But now they keep it to the minimum. Trying times for the economy.

Some nights ago I happened to look up at the sky and saw the moon and a sprinkle of stars. It put a smile on my face. It's funny because when I looked up at the star-filled sky, I thought the stars looked like pimples on the face of the night sky, and the waxing moon looked more like a slice of lemon. And why would I associate pimples with the stars, you might ask? I don't know! It was the first thing that came to mind, I swear. If the stars scattered in the sky that time didn't seem to look like pimples, then I thought they looked like dandruffs ~ tiny white particles on a dark backdrop. Ha Ha Ha. Me and my twisted mind again. Seriously, a star-filled sky? You don't get to see that everyday ~ not if you live in the city.

any given sunday

one lazy sunday. Fewer people are at work today, it's so quiet and the only sound you can hear is the humming sound of the airconditioning, which means it's freakin' cold in here. Been sitting here in my station beside another colleague and it's just the two of us for now ~ at least till 10pm when another colleague comes in. Today marks the first day of work for me with the new shift. It has been a long time since I was in this odd sched so I left early for work to avoid any mishaps. You never know. It rained just when I stepped out of the house. Great. Even the weather is not cooperating. Yesterday I was so bored at home and I couldn't wait till I go to work today. But now I feel ~ I dunno, not up to it I guess. Lousy for sure. This new sched will wreak havoc again in my sleeping habits. SIGH!

take heart

of course no one would expect me to explain the inner workings of my twisted mind, perhaps for fear of a terrible tongue-lashing from me or they are simply not interested whatsoever. Either way, I wouldn't mind since I cannot possibly explain the phenomenon myself. Recently, the ramblings have screeched to a halt for no apparent reason. System failure eh? Perhaps any cohesive thought was lost in the labyrinth of my mind. Somebody must've barricaded it with high walls as thick and as dangerous as the berlin wall. Naturally, one would never attempt any means of escape and/or entry and thus jeopardize themselves. Too much trouble, they might say. Might as well forget about the whole thing. But I'm talking rubbish here. Then again, all is not lost. Hope springs eternal, so they say. Who knows, one permeable thought would run amok in the deep recesses of my dark mind and threaten to spill over. Maybe I'll hijack a plane or something. Ooops. Can't make jokes about that, sensitive global security issue. Maybe I'll just jump off the plane when this political limbo end and to hell with it. Or I could do a miriam and tell everybody I lied (with matching demonic laughter shooting thru outer space). The conundrum of having a spatial mind surely gives you an empty feeling. Or a dry spell~ that feeling when you're out in the sun all day and you're parched to death but no liquid nourishment in sight? That feeling. You see, my brain has a mind of its own. It goes to unchartered territory when I specifically order it not to, and just focus on things onhand. What can I say, it just tends to wander. Typical. At times my mind harbors ridiculous thoughts one should be warned not to delve into it too much. One could be trapped, or one could become loco. So i think it is best to just take things lightly, just a nip in the bud. Hmm, I'm not making any sense at all. So now what?

doubting damsel

i don't know if I'm heading for a major crashdown...

the skunk

you know, you should do something about it once and for all. It's killing me! Seriously, I'd hate to be your girlfriend!

there is no business like...

you gotta be kidding me! jennifer aniston hooking up with vince vaughn?! tsk, tsk! Ridiculous, if you ask me. From brad pitt to vince vaughn is like downgrading your Nokia N90 to Nokia 8250. C'mon jen, you can do better than that!

the other side of love & other stories

i just found out that my current beau has a thing for jennifer love hewitt. I kept teasing him when I learned about it and he would just give me this sheepish grin. No wonder he wasn't complaining when I dragged him to the movie theater to watch her recent films. Not that the movies were any good. I don't know why jennifer love makes those kind of boring movies. You can just see her usual dorky enthusiasm in those movies with thin plots. She used to be popular, now I wonder what happened to her career.

I just finished reading mario puzo's The Godfather (I only saw part 3 of the film version) and I can see why a lot of people are crazy about the story. It's brilliant. Loved it. Before that I was reading truman capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's. I have watched the film version a dozen times, I just wanted to relive the story. It's my favorite classic movie. I just love audrey hepburn!

I only saw 2 films in the recently concluded spanish film festival which is a pity because the line up was so good. Blame it on my schedule, plus other distractions. I remember I used to go to these international filmfests almost yearly. Sometimes with my sister, most of the time with friends who share the same passion for foreign films (and I don't mean hollywood). We usually have discussions afterwards on the films we previewed. Unfortunately, I lost contact with these friends.

I love watching foreign films, never mind that you have to read the subtitles. You get used to it. French films I love the most. The french create films out of a simple plot yet make it so interesting. Cinemanila international filmfest is still ongoing until the 25th of this month. FYI.

the break up song

i consider this as the best break up song in my book (see below), not because of the lyrics (that depends on the nature of the break up) but because I just love the melody. It's edgy yet full of anguish and misery. When most people would probably opt to play sentimental songs/sob songs when they break up with their beaus, I would prefer this one. Play this non-stop all day and you just might feel good eventually. My other option would be U2's All I Want Is You. While you're playing this record, pretend you're winona ryder having a spat with ethan hawke ala reality bites. Coolness!

Mr. Brightside

The Killers

I'm coming out of my cage

And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down

Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this

It was only a kiss,

it was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest

Now, he takes off her dress

Now, letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me

And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Swimming through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage

And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down

Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest

Now, he takes off her dress

Now, letting me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me

And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Swimming through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

" Never love a wild thing. You can't give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree, then a taller tree. Then the sky. That's how you'll end up if you let yourself love a wild thing. You'll end up looking at the sky. . . "

-- Holly Golightly

Breakfast At Tiffany's

all nonsense

i really don't understand the concept behind Pinoy Big Brother... I tried watching the show one lazy day and I just got bored to tears. Five minutes into the show and I was like, 'Okay so what's the big deal?' The show is a total bore! Sorry if I offend the sensibilities of PBB fans. I don't find it fascinating at all to see these young fine creatures going around the house doing domestic stuff. I could find other productive things to do or watch a more interesting show. Watching PBB is like, 'nakiki-usyoso sa kapitbahay' which is really not my thing in the first place. I might as well spy on my neighbors if that is the case. Sure, the show's contestants are good-looking but that's about spells the difference. The show is all hype and publicity, no substance. Once again, this only proves the never-ending fascination of pinoys on other people who don't seem to know how to mind their own business. To quote a line from a classic movie, 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!'

PELÍCULA (4th Spanish Film Festival )

Greenbelt 1, Cinema 1 & Cinema 2

Schedule:


Sep 29 Thursday

Días contados
La flaqueza del bolchevique
El bola
Noviembre
Nadie hablará de nosotras cuando hayamos muerto
Barrio


Sep 30 Friday

Crimen ferpecto
Intacto
Los lunes al sol
El juego de la verdad
Todo sobre mi madre
Héctor


Oct 1 Saturday

Barrio
La buena estrella
El juego de la verdad
Crimen ferpecto
Planta 4ª
Tesis
Astronautas


Oct 2 Sunday

El bosque animado
Los lunes al sol
Héctor
Torremolinos 73
El abrazo partido
El bola
Noviembre


Oct 3 Monday

Soldados de Salamina
Barrio
Días contados
Astronautas
Los lunes al sol
Intacto


Oct 4 Tuesday

Días contados
La flaqueza del bolchevique
La buena estrella
El juego de la verdad
Crimen ferpecto
Planta 4ª


Oct 5 Wednesday

Nadie hablará de nosotras cuando hayamos muerto
Noviembre
Todo sobre mi madre
Te doy mis ojos
Soldados de Salamina
Extranjeras


Oct 6 Thursday

Torremolinos 73
Barrio
Tesis
La ley de Herodes
Te doy mis ojos
La flaqueza del bolchevique


Oct 7 Friday

La buena estrella
Tesis
El bola
Abre los ojos
Nadie hablará de nosotras cuando hayamos muerto
Mar adentro


Oct 8 Saturday

El bosque animado
Nadie hablará de nosotras cuando hayamos muerto
Planta 4ª
Todo sobre mi madre
El juego de la verdad
Torremolinos 73
La ley de Herodes


Oct 9 Sunday

Intacto
Tesis
Mar adentro
Te doy mis ojos
Astronautas
Crimen ferpecto
Héctor


Oct 10 Monday

La buena estrella
El abrazo partido
Nadie hablará de nosotras cuando hayamos muerto
Subterra
Soldados de Salamina
Abre los ojos


Oct 11 Tuesday

Los lunes al sol
Extranjeras
Tesis
Planta 4ª
Días contados
La flaqueza del bolchevique


Oct 12 Wednesday

El bola
La ley de Herodes
Crimen ferpecto
Noviembre
Te doy mis ojos
El abrazo partido


Oct 13 Thursday

Soldados de Salamina
Subterra
Torremolinos 73
Intacto
Todo sobre mi madre
Abre los ojos


Oct 14 Friday

Días contados
Astronautas
Los lunes al sol
El juego de la verdad
Te doy mis ojos
La ley de Herodes


Oct 15 Saturday

Subterra
El bola
Noviembre
Te doy mis ojos
Planta 4ª
Torremolinos 73
Mar adentro


Oct 16 Sunday

El bosque animado
Todo sobre mi madre
Héctor
Soldados de Salamina


Audience Choice

La buena estrella
El juego de la verdad

cine europa @ the shang

Schedule :

23 SEP (Friday)
1 PM Step by Step
4 PM Villa des Roses
7 PM Buttoners
10 PM Dog Nail Clipper


24 SEP (Saturday)
1 PM The Spanish Apartment
4 PM Kroko
7 PM I Love to Love
10 PM A Man Not Wanted


25 SEP (Sunday)
1 PM Twinni
4 PM Millions
7 PM Extranjeras
10 PM Faithless


26 SEP (Monday)
4 PM Twinni
7 PM Step by Step
10 PM Villa des Roses


27 SEP (Tuesday)
4 PM Buttoners
7 PM Dog Nail Clipper
10 PM The Spanish Apartment


28 SEP (Wednesday)
4 PM A Man Not Wanted
7 PM Dying to Go Home
10 PM Kroko


29 SEP (Thursday)
1 PM I Love to Love
4 PM Faithless
7 PM A Man Not Wanted
10 PM Extranjeras


30 SEP (Friday)
1 PM Villa des Roses
4 PM Step by Step
7 PM The Spanish Apartment


01 OCT (Saturday)
1 PM Extranjeras
4 PM Dying to Go Home
7 PM Kroko
10 PM I Love to Love


02 OCT (Sunday)
1 PM Millions
4 PM Dog Nail Clipper
7 PM Faithless
10 PM Dying to Go Home

rock on!

Mig Ayesa should've won the Rockstar:INXS gig. I know I am being biased. But he was that close to winning... Too bad! =(

girl in the city

i always believe that a girl should be capable of living on her own at one point in her life. Going solo has its own rewards after all. For the most part, one can readily admit that the first few months (even years) of independence are the hardest. Coping with a lot of things such as loneliness and depression could prove to be difficult at first. Most especially when it comes to handling finances. Naturally, since one only has herself to rely on, one is forced to overcome obstacles/difficulties. Thus, a girl could learn to look for an apartment on her own, navigate the streets, run some errands, ask for directions without looking so utterly perplexed or clueless, do groceries and even find the best buys around the metropolis.

I have done that myself. After exiting the confines of my alma mater, I insisted on living on my own and bid for my independence. I have experienced scouting for the cheapest place to live during the first year, most of the time ending up compromising other considerations such as privacy, accessibility and of course, security. I have learned to clean up my place once I moved in, arrange things in their proper order and make myself dinner (merely opening a can of tuna will do). Money matters gave me a major headache when I was still starting out in the city. And since asking relatives for financial support was out of the question, I had to make do with what little money I have. Once I've experienced stretching my salary to the extent that my dinner consisted of one order of a personal-sized pizza from greenwich shared with another cash-strapped college classmate just so I can make ends meet. There were times when I just felt helpless. There were times as well when I felt lost and disoriented and not sure of myself.

Oh yes, I have also experienced having butterflies on my stomach during the first few weeks on my first job. I couldn't understand why I had moments of panic, one of those feelings that makes you wanna bolt out the door. And yet in all of these adjustments and trials I have encountered, there's only one thing I have noticed. I have never in my entire life replaced a single light bulb in the many places that I moved into. It has always been ready and brand new everytime I move to a new place. Otherwise, the landlord's househelp would just replace them. I know, replacing a light bulb could probably the easiest thing a girl can do around the house if she's living alone. I would love to try that sometimes. Plumbing is a major problem too. Usually, if I couldn't do anything about repairs, then tough luck! I just leave it be. I have to admit I'm a bit clueless when it comes to home repairs. And please don't give me all that crap about me being a 'girl' for not being an expert on troubleshooting the house. Anyways, a girl can just learn to do it if she really wants to. One can just buy one of those books for dummies, you know.

I once saw this survival book from humor post a couple of years ago. Everything's in that book, whether if you're a city girl or a country girl or a traveller/jetsetter. You could easily find solutions or answers from the most difficult to the downright silly stuff if in case you found yourself in that particular situation. I should've bought that book when I saw it. The only thing that stopped me then was the availability of moolah. I happened to be broke when I chanced upon the book. I bought a different survival book a couple of months back but it wasn't that complete. These days, I still try to resolve matters the way I know how, sometimes I get help from friends. As far as I know, I'm still a work in progress when it comes to troubleshooting my life.

hollywood dream

i had a funny dream last night. I found myself in the middle of a grassland, in the open field where there was a war going on. A war you say? Yes it was a war indeed! There were soldiers all around me and I was with several girls trying desperately to hide from all those flying bullets and missiles. I think I was wearing a school uniform of some sort. And just when you think that was the only piece of action, think again! Tom Cruise appeared in the middle of nowhere dressed in combat trying to help us find cover from those bullets and missiles. Next thing I know, the setting changed and he was sitting across the dining table from me looking kinda pooped but still devastating and just having some small talk about our relationship(?!). Apparently, he came to see me right after the war. How sweet! So now I have a premonition that I am going to end up marrying Tom Cruise, har har! Yeah right!

sounds like a broken record

Disclaimer : no offense meant to the fanatics of the following...

SEVEN EFFECTIVELY ANNOYING SONGS PLAYED OVER & OVER AGAIN:

1) Tell Me Where It Hurts by Nina, or was it MYMP or Kyla?

2) Love Moves in Mysterious Ways by Nina/Kyla/Sarah Geronimo?

3) Especially For You sung by Nina/Kyla/Sarah Geronimo?

4) Constantly(?) interpreted by Nina, or was it Kyla again or Sarah Geronimo?-- is it obvious that I can't tell them apart?

5) Through The Fire again by Nina (i prefer the original version)

6) All songs sung by the Sexbomb bimbos

7) All songs sung by the sexist, masochistic Masculados

8) Just A Smile by Barbie Almalbis (frankly I like barbie but this song could really get into my nerves sometimes, especially if it reminds of the close-up reality showdown)

as seen on TV

TOP FIVE ANNOYING ADS:

1) palmolive shampoo's "bounce" commercial (with the ridiculously bouncing girl)

2) creamsilk with ricky reyes ("para ka na ring nagpa-salon!" -ugh!)

3) close-up search for next model couples (teens with fake, "pilit" smiles to show off their pearly whites)

4) studio 23's barkada trip segments (I know this isn't an ad, but enough already!)

5) basically all shampoo ads from procter & gamble, unilever (one can't really tell the difference)

* perhaps McCann-Erickson, Ace Saatchi, et al could give us a break?

love poems by pablo neruda

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Sonnet LXXXI

And now you're mine. Rest with your dream in my dream.

Love and pain and work should all sleep, now.

The night turns on its invisible wheels,

and you are pure beside me as a sleeping amber.

No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go,

we will go together, over the waters of time.

No one else will travel through the shadows with me,

only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

Your hands have already opened their delicate fists

and let their soft drifting signs drop away; your eyes closed like two gray

wings, and I move

after, following the folding water you carry, that carries

me away. The night, the world, the wind spin out their destiny.

Without you, I am your dream, only that, and that is all.

Sonnet XXV

Before I loved you, love, nothing was my own:

I wavered through the streets, among

objects:

nothing mattered or had a name:

the world was made of air, which waited,

I knew rooms full of ashes,

tunnels where the moon lived,

rough warehouses that growled 'get lost',

questions that insisted in the sand.

Everything was empty, dead, mute,

fallen abandoned, and decayed:

inconceivably alien, it all

belonged to someone else - to no one:

till your beauty and your poverty

filled the autumn plentiful with gifts.

positively passive

...and so I'm back from my rest day. Nothing grand happened you see. I spent it merely hibernating (except maybe the time when the pipes bursted and I was hosed with dirty water). My boyfriend was out of the house most of the time the past few weeks and I never get to spend quality time with him. He's always catching a flight to numerous business trips within the country. Being an architect who foresees landscape projects nowadays, I guess he has to see loads of 'landscapes' all over the country. By the time he gets back from one those trips, he's too exhausted already and almost always preoccupied with work stuff to be doing anything else with me. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those clingy girlfriends who would just pine away for their boyfriends when they're not around. I do like my own space sometimes. In fact, I get irritable when I see my boyfriend around all the time. I merely want to spend some time with him whenever possible, go out watch a movie or something. Sometimes being together, we just end up fighting over something so unbelievably nonsense. I guess I can't do anything about it. Today he's off to Ilocos for god knows how long. My days are so uneventful, it has become a routine so much so that I want to break the monotony, so help me god...

booked

i'm reading the sequel to the bestseller book by the same authors of Holy Blood, Holy Grail. The controversial book which was one of Dan Brown's sources/inspiration for writing The Da Vinci Code (i can't wait to see the movie). Hence, i haven't been posting anything in this blog. The said sequel is as interesting as the first one. It's non-fiction so it's all facts and figures. Mostly about the origin of Christianity as we know it, as well as controversial topics which are still being deliberated today, such as the 'infamous' connection between Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. It's interesting to note that Christianity is merely an accident in history and that Jesus' divinity was a result of a vote in the council attended by the church fathers. So he was a mortal man after all, who had a twin brother and who sired children. Hmmmm... The facts are quite explosive and addicting, not to mention mind-boggling. And so I have to finish the book...

tag questions

QUESTION: What are the things you enjoy doing even when there's no one around you?

-- listening to kick-ass music, reading a good book, singing in my head, drifting off to a nice fantasy world, malling even without the moolah, bumming around, catching up on my zzzzs

QUESTION : What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?

-- pilates (when I was still active); engaging myself in a pep talk to boost my flailing confidence sometimes; listening to music; gorge on food trips; reading a nice novel; sleep, sleep, sleep!

* Tag five friends and ask them to post it in theirs.

-- Tata
-- Gina
-- Kenny
-- Shey
-- Ilen

name game

with special thanks to karla for finding this one for me...

AGNES

Although the name Agnes creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes a blunt expression that alienates others. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses through worry, mental tension, and tension or accidents to the head.

Your name of Agnes has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission. You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people. You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain. You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding.

a walk to remember

i love the smell of baking bread early in the morning when I come to work... I usually pass by at this small bakery in our place around 5am and I can smell freshly-baked bread wafting through the air everytime I walk by.

another angst song

Rock'N'Roll Lifestyle
by: Cake

well, your CD collection looks shiny and costly
how much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzi?
and how much did you spend on your black leather jacket?
is it you or your parents in this income tax bracket?

now tickets to concerts and drinking at clubs
sometimes for music that you haven't even heard of
and how much did you pay for your rock'n'roll t-shirt
that proves you were there, that you heard of them first?

how do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
how do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
how do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
oh, tell me.

how much did you pay for the chunk of his guitar
the one he ruthlessly smashed at the end of the show?
and how much will he pay for a brand new guitar
one which he'll ruthlessly smash at the end of another show?
and how long will the workers keep building him new ones?
as long as their soda cans are red, white, and blue ones
and how long will the workers keep building him new ones?
as long as their soda cans are red, white, and blue ones

aging black leather and hospital bills
tattoo removal and dozens of pills
your liver pays dearly now for youthful magic moments
but rock on completely with some brand new components.

how do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
how do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?
how do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?

excess ain't rebellion
you're drinking what they're selling
your self-destruction doesn't hurt them
your chaos won't convert them
they're so happy to rebuild it
you'll never really kill it

yeah, excess ain't rebellion
you're drinking what they're selling
excess ain't rebellion
you're drinking, you're drinking
you're drinking what they're selling

on swallowing the bitter pill: random thoughts on relationships gone sour

just because you have complete trust on your significant other doesn't give you license to neglect the relationship. This especially holds true when we talk about distant relationships. Anything can happen when you're apart. One of you might attempt to be with somebody else, not because you want to cheat but because you just miss being around with someone and so you try to emulate that with the first attractive person you meet. What's the point of keeping an eleven-year old relationship when you're apart from each other most of the time? You're just wasting your precious time. And don't give me that crap about emotional investments. It doesn't work that way, apparently.

That's what happened to the classmate of a friend. This classmate is a guy who works in the city (the big bad city, if you will). He left behind his girlfriend in the province. The guy found out recently that his long-time girlfriend just got hitched to another guy and left him hanging. This happened right under his nose! I don't know the entire story but I could only assume. This guy is trying desperately to rationalize that the only reason his girlfriend got married to another guy is because of money, or lack of it. The girl didn't actually came from the 'buena familia'.

Poor guy is completely heartbroken. He was so clueless something was going on with his sweet girlfriend. I told my friend that there's nothing we can do about it now. The best thing he could do is to accept the fact and just learn to let go. Life goes on. Emotional investment down the drain.

Trust isn't the only thing that would make the relationship smooth-sailing. Nurturing the relationship is always good, coupled with TLC. It is important to remember that the actual presence of your boyfriend would matter a lot in a relationship, and not a photo saved on your mobile phone, nor a ghost, nor a replica of himself. Certainly not the pillow that you hug at night ...

going mental

i worry that my time has already passed me by... i worry that there are a lot of newbies in the world out there clawing their way up the corporate ladder; hungry for success, for conquests, for big breaks that was never thrown my way. Or opportunities and offers that I never risk taking. This may sound an exaggeration, maybe it is.

It pains me to know that my carefree days are nearly over. Gone was the girl who sees things in rose-colored glasses, who brightens up whenever she has novel ideas, who writes & argues passionately, who has eternal hope for the humankind, who was in contradiction with a lot of things, with society and even herself, who was at odds with the rest of the world.

I was so looking forward to growing up and getting what I want that I just might have missed the glory days of youth. Perhaps I grew up too fast-- emotionally. I live with my own tenets and principles & ideas and arguments and what-have-yous. When I was younger, I balk at the mere idea of following orders from authority (actually I still do that sometimes). I didn't like joining the majority. I strive to be different from everyone else.

I always believe that life shouldn't be taken too seriously. Your brains will just fall out on you if you do so. Now I worry that my brain size has shrunk to a mere pea size and is ready to give out. I worry that my ubiquitous charm is starting to lose its magic, that I just might lose an audience instead of dazzle them with my biting wit. Since when did I became so serious with life? Since when the hell did I care about what other people think? Or care about what do they have to say for that matter? Did I lose my spark? Did I miss a step? Did I skip a beat? Did I lose my balance?

Maybe the vertigo experience has finally caught up with me. Trust me, I was there when my world suddenly started spinning around me (literally & figuratively), I was actually scared of falling down at that time. How was it that someone who wasn't actually living the fast lane (translation: smoking, bingeing, endless partying) ended up in vertigo land? I never tried smoking, I don't drink much, and I am certainly no party animal. I just enjoy hanging out with friends & colleagues. I go out occasionally. But still, it didn't stop the dark forces in getting their grip on me, pulling me back to the dark recesses of the underworld and the underdogs.

The horrific thing that could happen is to find myself landing amongst the bleak presence of mediocrity and its utterly boring inhabitants. And it ain't easy to belong to these maddening crowd. Sooner or later i would become an annoyance, I would be so wrapped up about the mundane things, silly things, inconsequential things, superficial things... The utter insignificance... I worry alright. So what gives?

just wondering

i wonder why most men don't really appreciate the little things that you do for them. By the time they noticed it, it's already too late. There might have been an argument over the most trivial of things which most probably stemmed out from the lack of one simple word or gesture of appreciation. A nice "thank you" would've been good enough. Naturally, you feel crushed that none of your efforts were noticed. Seeing to it that all his needs were met doesn't mean your partner has to neglect expressing his appreciation or gratitude. I mean, who keeps his things at home tidy and in order? You make sure that he wouldn't have any difficulty locating his things. No dirty shirts lying around, shoes strewn about, important files missing, etc. You don't want to give him a headache when he gets home right? And yet, they tend to overlook these things.

Now I know why there are nagging housewives out there. It makes perfect sense. If you tell your significant other to take out the trash, the message wouldn't register the first time. He wouldn't dare budge. He hears you alright but he tends to procrastinate. But if you repeat what you said over and over again, until his brain finally catches up & puts him into motion, that's the only time you're going to see a result. If I'm not mistaken, this concept is actually derived from John Gray's bestseller book, "Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus"--- ooops! It's the other way around: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The explanation for this 'phenomena' is because men & women have different perspectives and thus have different views on doing things. Also, maybe because our society is so patriarchal and so archaic that these men when they were just little boys were just tolerated & given free reign to play around all day and just leave the domestic stuff to their mothers & their sisters which is pretty sexist really, if you ask me. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm only confined to the kitchen or the house. That's probably the reason why i never learned how to cook. I simply refused to believe that all little girls should slave around at home while they let their brothers roam free around the house.

I remember when I was growing up I was told by a relative (a spinster aunt) who lives with us that time that I should be the one to prepare meals for our brothers whenever our mother's not around because that's all little girls are trained to do, make sure the men in the house don't starve to death. The moment I heard her say that, I simply stormed out of the kitchen and locked myself in my room. I simply refuse to be typecast as such. For me, there are a million ways to prove your worth, and not just around the house.

This is what our society is actually made us believe, (or is it the matrix?). They condone the "annoying" habits of our men, whether they are drunkards, trigger-happy folks, womanizers or just a lazy bunch of freaks. Why do you think men like that exists? Maybe because out of habit, we have tolerated it since time immemorial. Maybe because most women are content with their domestic lives and are simply happy to be confined in the kitchen. Or maybe they think it's part of their married life, that they should just be grateful they have a husband at all. Our society thrives on double standards. If a guy sleeps around, he is considered a 'stud', but if a girl sleeps around, she is branded a 'slut'. Guess who suffers the stigma. How politically-incorrect. That's why I like the new breed of men these days, the metrosexuals. They are more sensitive and are more aware of their surroundings and just about happy to extend their contribution to humankind. Most of all, they are in touch with their feminine side which makes them more humane-- and attractive.

on charlatans & shenanigans

some people think that following a current trend will make them part of the cool crowd. I guess they're badly mistaken. It only makes them a poor, hapless 'fashion victim', a replica of everybody else, just a sheep among the flock; unnoticeable, unoriginal & truly uninspiring. Just all blah. Jumping the bandwagon only goes to show the lack of creativity and individuality in oneself. I get really annoyed with people who force themselves to wear the same look just because their favorite stars are donning them. You should know what style fits you best and what doesn't. No use messing with a look that would only make you look frumpy instead of fabulous. Find your own style and stick with it. Just because an orange lipstick looked great on say, Angelina Jolie doesn't mean it would look great on you. Of course you can also do experiments but make sure it will reflect on who and what you are, not somebody else. And if you want to impersonate somebody from the 80's, like karate kid for instance, don't you think it's a little bit passe already? Or are you in a 80's time warp? People aren't amused by that, you know.

Don't you just hate it when some girls act like drama queens, and some are totally imbeciles? Why can't they just drop the act and be themselves for once? Frankly, you aren't gonna impress anybody with your childish, 'pa-cute' act. Maybe because there's nothing inside that brain of yours? Or is it just malfunctioning? It turns off people when you whine all the time, do you know that? I would've liked you if you were your true self. Enough of that.

And finally, the bane of my existence, why do zits develop so big one can actually spot them like a mile away? Just when you thought everything is finally going smoothly for a week, this epitome of cruelty suddenly shows up. I can feel it growing on my face! Yeah it's the stress, the estrogen level, the oil secretion, change in lifestyle, yada yada yada! I just hate the sight of it, you ugly freak of a zit! Why can't you just go away, disappear forever?

oh captain, my captain

we just lost a brilliant man. I cannot for the life of me imagine that he would be gone so soon. I was stupefied when I first heard the news. The man behind the colorful Hawaiian shirts have been a great example to the youth and the idealists. He is indeed irreplaceable. One cannot easily find such a great persona. His character stood out amongst other politicians. I have been a great admirer of this man since I was in college. Never have I known a statesman who is consistent with his ideals and his vision for the people and the country (except for Joker Arroyo perhaps). A true patriot. He could've been and I quote "the best president this country never had." He could've done a lot for this country. He had high hopes for the country and he had great belief in our countrymen. With him, patriotism was not dead. His example for a clean & honest governance is highly commendable. I admire him not because he's a fellow Bicolano. I admired him for his utter brilliance. I love how his mind works. He sticks to his principles even if that would make him unpopular or boring to the masses, as it was shown in the last presidential elections. I was able to read his political platform when he ran for presidency. Anyone who knows his background would be amazed at how this man rose to the ranks. He was upfront and analytical, yet he kept it simple, he chose to address the most important and the most basic issues of the land and preferred not to be caught up in the circus that is politics. He wasn't that popular in the last elections, in fact he wasn't even a favorite of the majority. Most of all, I admired this man for passionately upholding the welfare and rights of women. He is a defender of women's rights. If it wasn't for his illness, he could've given GMA a run for her money. He could even be a possible successor to GMA if she is impeached. It was just unfortunate that he chose to leave.

series of unfortunate events

not good... that's about sums up my rest day hiatus. I'm back in the office & I'm not exactly an epitome of sunshine. My muscles are still complaining from the strenous work I have managed to do during my rest day (sorting out my stuff, packing, cleaning the place, groceries, paying the bills, etc). I have been doing the packing for the last 5 days and I'm not done yet. Apparently, my estimated timeframe for the packing was wrong. I didn't realize I have accumulated a lot of stuff for the past 2 years. The process of relocating to another house just pooped me out, and I haven't even moved out yet. I barely managed to sleep a wink this past week.

The unpredictable weather added to my distress. I would go out on an errand one super hot afternoon and end up going home soaked to my skin which had left me coughing & sneezing. It didn't help that I had mini-arguments with my boyfriend. We were both under pressure.

My present landlady had made it difficult for me to live peacefully for the past few months due to her ridiculous terms, a contradiction to the original agreement we had, & the contract I have signed. I also found myself in the middle of her family squabbles (inheritance, taking sides, what else?), one thing that I refused to be part of. Did I mention that my landlady has Parkinson's disease? Whenever we see each other, her arms seem to be all over the place, muscles twitching here & there. Even her head doesn't seem to go in just one direction. That's probably the reason why her mind is also all over the place. Last night she came over with her maid & gave me a bowl of hot lomi to help me get well from my colds. She was super nice. I don't know if she was being two-faced or just being neighborly. Anyhow, I hope I can already settle in my new place next week...

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

given the current trend of political upheaval swirling the minds of the populace, the migration of people in one certain location have made life much easier, more bearable. These people (including yours truly) have found themselves retreating in cyberspace, with the hopes that this political nightmare will vanish into oblivion. And so the doors were swung open for bloggers. Constant chatter is the name of the game. Blogging has become a part of our consumer-driven lives. Our minds have become intertwined, blurring any borderlines that prevent us from interacting with others. This has become an avenue to contemplate on our experiences, vent out our frustrations, disappointments, points of view and numerous other vexations. It has become an integral part of our existence, a modern-day diary. An escape from a world of lies and deceit.

Anything and everything can happen here. It's your call, you play the game, you make the rules. Even people who aren't fond of expressing themselves have jumped into the bandwagon. If this was a looney bin, it certainly is a happy one! Any addition to a good source of laughter, tears and the like are very much appreciated. I guess what makes this group so unique is the fact that you can be downright silly (or serious) and not lose an audience. People read what you have to say; may it be an embarrassing experience, a sad moment or an exuberant, 5 minutes of fame. I'd say this is the ultimate modern version of a cuckoo's nest. Welcome to the club!

travelling gypsy

i will be moving to a new place by the end of the month. Hopefully, it will be better than my present abode, which has given me such a major headache the past few months. Similar to the gypsies, I've been moving a lot since I finished school a couple of years ago. I didn't wanna stay at a relative's house so I have been living independently eversince, which is what I preferred and it's really great because it taught me to be more responsible. I take care of my needs and I try to balance my finances. Besides, I don't have to deal with other people's house rules anymore. I make my own rules.

Living alone is a good start because if I were to go abroad (which I intend to do), I will be able to take care of myself and not depend too much on other people. The only setback is, I don't cook, much less bake. So I contend myself with dining out (read: fast food) most of the time (which proved to be costly), or just settle for simple cooked meals (translation: canned goods/processed food) which is the only skill I could claim so far. I'm not really good in the kitchen but maybe someday I would find the motivation to learn cooking.

Somehow, not born with a silver spoon in my mouth had made me see that the struggles you have experienced in life are better appreciated if you don't have a fat bank account or you don't rely mainly on your daddy's credit cards (paris hilton, is that you?). Because of my past struggles, I now know how to adjust myself in most situations and adapt to a life which is for the most part biased and unfair. It made me see that the only person responsible for your actions is yourself.

I like living alone because most of the time, I can do anything I want. Also, I find it quite interesting to live in a suitcase, so to speak. It's because the mere idea of being in one place for a long time doing the same things over and over again bores me to death. I don't like a mediocre life. I certainly don't like routines. There are far more interesting things to see and explore than to settle down with the mundane stuff. Maybe because I haven't established any roots yet. Maybe because I don't want it right now. Or I haven't found the right place that I would really love to settle in. I am still a work in progress; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I would really like to travel someday, to a faraway, exotic place if possible. The only thing I hate about moving is packing my bags, which could prove really taxing.

eye candy

last saturday when I rode a jeepney going home, I chanced upon two schoolgirl passengers seated across from me. It would've been uneventful if not for the two girls canoodling right before my eyes. I didn't realize they were a couple, not until one of them (the skinny one) tenderly stroked her partner's face. It was then that I noticed the other girl's arm were wrapped around her companion's waist like any lover would do. They were so sweet with each other. It made me smile secretly. You know it's very rare that I get to see lesbian couples (even gay) doing PDA without a care in the world. Funny because it wasn't gross, in fact, it was actually nice of those 2 girls to openly show their affection to each other, and they were high school girls at that!

Now here's another story: one time, when I was quietly having my lunch at KFC, a few floors down my office, this twentysomething girl decided to share seats with me. That was okay since she looked decent enough to me. I didn't mind her that much for awhile, but I've noticed that she glanced at my I.D. and asked me if I work in PS, so I politely said yes. Then she asked me if I handle customer service so I told her I'm actually in sales (she wouldn't know the difference anyway). Then she started asking more questions, whether I am being paid a basic salary or thru commissions. Then she asked the ultimate question: how much am i being paid by PS? I was thinking like, whoa! hold on a minute here, I don't know you, why would you ask me such a personal question? I was already irritated so I just replied: "Oh, you have to go ask HR about it!" That silenced her. Nosy people!

shades of blue (and pink, yellow & then some)

i sink into semi-depression mode whenever there are changes happening in my life, unexpected or otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I welcome change for the most part, just to break the monotony or avoid any gluts or being stuck in a rut for that matter. But the mere idea of veering away from your comfort zone could be scary at times, especially for those people who are not risk-takers.What with you having thoughts on the impending 'doom' heading your way, meeting new faces, encountering problems which appear to be freakin' unresolvable, plus chartering to unfamiliar territory. Twists and turns here and there. Basically, your main concern is whether you will emerge at the other end of the tunnel unscathed. That's how I feel right now. Having experienced these changes (good & bad, professional & personal) makes me feel just a little bit queasy. All of a sudden I feel vulnerable, I have butterflies in my stomach, and I have the sudden urge to turn my back, hibernate in my cocoon or just return to my previous routine which I used to do and had come to like. A few months from now,I will just brush this aside like any other normal jaded person and not bother with it. But for now, I feel like the only living creature in the galaxy far, far away. Then again, this too, shall pass. After all, who wants to be mediocre for the rest of her life?

everybody likes controversy

i think it's very brave of GMA to actually admit it was her on the 'infamous tape'. I could forgive her for that. For me, addressing the controversy and apologizing to the country is highly admirable and commendable. At least she was honest enough to admit her mistakes & take responsibility for it, unlike other politicians who would just deny it to the high heavens even though it's pretty obvious already. I'm not an Arroyo supporter but I would rather have her as President of this country than any of those opposition contenders (if there's any at all) who don't know anything about the economy anyway or how to properly handle them. They don't get the point anyway. So what if she cheated? It's not something new. Duh! Let's face it, everybody cheats in the elections. Even Ramos cheated. The only difference is that GMA was caught. And she is actually doing her best to handle the country's problems. You gotta start somewhere, right? I mean, she only inherited the country's problems from past administrations. You cannot possibly solve ALL of them in just one term! Geez, people expect to see change at the snap of a finger! It's not like you blame her for the oil price increase! Hello! It's the global market! Everyone is affected! It's beyond the President's control. Changes will just manifest themselves, just give her the chance. So give GMA a break already. 'Nuff said.

notice anything new here? I've added pictures! I thought these are images of some of the things that express my personality-- a bit of a mystical, something out-of-this-world... a person's journey to the ethereal subconscious... a far-cry from the mediocre environment that I am in...

tuesdays with me

i hate tuesdays, that's all I can say! Coming to work on a tuesday is hell for me. You can't get a decent seat in the office and it's always noisy when I arrive!

confession

i have a disease-- an incurable one. I've had this for quite some time now. As a matter of fact, I have acquired it just recently. Symptoms are: inexplainable racy heart palpitations, combined with perplexing sommersaults felt mainly in the gut, loss of appetite, lightheadedness, a weakening of the joints and limbs centering on the knees, breathlessness, a sensation of euphoria, coldness in the palms and feet, nervousness, insomnia, then finally, giddiness. Surprisingly, these symptoms have resulted in my momentary feelings of bliss, similar to a utopian experience.

In case the reader is wondering, no, I haven't been thrown to the looney bin, inspite of what these manifestations tell you. I have never consulted a doctor nor any other professional about my condition and I haven't taken any medication for this disease either, especially not any of those depressants. But I have done some research based on those symptoms I have experienced so far. I have taken it upon myself to trace the cause and the development of my condition which eventually led me to the conclusion that it is caused by a certain feeling and what is popularly called "falling in love".

Apparently, I wasn't the only one who has experienced this. Millions of people have contracted the disease as well, as it tends to spread rapidly. In fact, most people have gone through this experience early on in their lives. Arguably, this condition had also been the cause of deaths of mostly young people. Sure, they have experienced the same symptoms but some people take it to the extreme.

My experience had come as of late, as I am what you call a late bloomer in the scheme of things. What I can tell you is that I have enjoyed this feeling of falling in love quite immensely. It is a state of mind where you actually feel better about yourself, that you are of value to another person, to other people. That you can do great things, good things for the most part. One can just marvel at how falling in love could feel so good. It even makes Tom Cruise uncharacteristically jump around on Oprah's couch, or so it seems...